The Robert Watson Literary Prize Story WAR RUGS

CYNOCEPHALI, a community of Monsters, (having, as their name (κυνός κεφαλή) implies, the head of a dog, but in all other respects resembling man,) who are described at some length by Ctesias, (ap. Photium, 72, de Indicis.) This author says that the Cynocephali bark a language which is understood by each other; that their teeth are longer, and their nails both longer and rounder than those of dogs; that their complexions are black, and that they occupy a tract of country in the mountains as far as the Indus. In their general dealings and institutes they are eminently just, (δίκαιοι πάνυ).

—Encyclopaedia Metropolitana, 1845

 

The Dogfaced girl sits with her red-furred muzzle pressed against the window of the van. The sidewalks of this neighborhood are empty, and the houses are brick, built in the image of their owners’ skulls—flat and clenched. If she holds still, she can hear all the TVs, spilling their caustic wash of anger and bubbling jingles. As has become their pattern, Alcibiades and Themistius drop her off last out of the whole Squad. They pull over at the end of a cul-de-sac adorned with flouncing flags and perfumed olive trees. Themistius, a puggy Dogface with a patch of black around his eye, turns to her from the driver seat as she tucks her nail file into her folder of sales brochures. She stares down at the one long fingernail on her left pinkie—pointed and polished black, winking one tiny fleck of lapis.

“You gotta be careful out there today,” Themistius says. “Don’t play games. They call hubby, you bounce. They tell you, ‘Wait right here,’ you bounce. They start asking questions, you bounce. Got me?”

The Dogfaced girl nods at him and slides open the van’s door. The early summer heat flashes up to meet her with tarmac and grass clippings.

Alcibiades, an Occidental—a “normal,” a Buttonhead—sitting shotgun, turns to him and says, “Give the girl some latitude. She’s not some bimbo like that Eris was. She knows what’s up. Right, Zylina?”

Three weeks ago, when she first signed on to the Squad, Zylina couldn’t tell which one of them was in charge. Their titles didn’t help. Alcibiades is called “Squad Captain,” and Themistius, “Squad Chief.” They’re both older than anyone else in the van. She’s guessing thirty, maybe thirty-five. But she’s beginning to see that Alcibiades is the one who pulls the strings. Themistius is just there to give all these Dogfaced kids some kind of hope that if they work real hard, maybe one day they can do the driving. Fucking Buttonheads.

But she softens a little, looking up at smiling Alcibiades, with his pretty eyebrows, nubby nose, and those stupid little ears, curled and naked. Sometimes she wishes she had ears like that. Ones that didn’t work so hard.

“Yeah, I got it. I’m just gonna run the script,” she says.

“Sure,” Alcibiades says. “You’re gonna work that uniform, though.”

She wiggles a bit, swaying her khaki skirt as she steps down from the van, half hoping Alcibiades is watching her ass. The sun licks the bare skin of her limbs and the fur on her face. There’s grapey mountain laurel in the air. She feels like howling—like her mother told her not to.

 

She knows the first house of the day is a no-sale straight off when the man comes to the door gawking from underneath a ball cap that says PROUD. Some TV voice, somewhere in the back of the house, is getting heated about the government. The man’s joints—his knee and hip—rasp in a broken way. He tilts against the jamb, holding a crackling Diet Coke. She should have turned away when she saw the marble-look statue of a sniper kneeling in the front lawn, aiming a scoped rifle at the road.

Most of the people who answer the door have probably never seen a Dogface in person before, and the sight of her is usually a shock at first. But there’s something almost accustomed about the way this man looks at her.

Zylina shakes off the uneasiness of the moment and runs through her usual routine.

 

SCENE: “A TOUGH CUSTOMER” OR “HELP ME,
HERMES WITH YOUR SILVER TONGUE”

A gorgeous yet approachable young DOGFACED GIRL stands in the colonnaded doorway to a large home. She grasps a sales flyer in her hand. A PROUD MAN stares her down from inside the house.

PROUD MAN

You selling something?

DOGFACED GIRL

Well, I’m a disadvantaged student competing in a contest, sir.

PROUD MAN

Uh-huh.

DOGFACED GIRL

If I earn more than five hundred points a day, then I win a scholarship for my first year of college.

PROUD MAN

That right.

He empties his Diet Coke down his throat with a toilet
gurgle.

DOGFACED GIRL

Every person I sign up for a subscription from this list is worth fifty points.

PROUD MAN

Not interested.

A sour sweat rises from him. He lifts his hat to reveal his ears, which had been hidden beneath the band. They are scarred, almost melted looking flaps of flesh. There is a scar, too, running down the side of his neck.

DOGFACED GIRL

She clears her throat and pushes her shoulder blades together. Her red polo uniform shirt stretches against her chest—a piece of salesmanship she has perfected.

They’re all Occidental publications, sir. You can own the words at the very foundation of our society.

She points to a list of titles on her sales brochure.

This subscription, for example, is Notions of Justice and Freedom, and this one is The Tradition of Reason. You can cancel at any time.

The SCARRED MAN winks at her and shuts the door in her
face.

SCARRED MAN

From behind the door.

Arf-arf.

A SNIPER STATUE scopes DOGFACED GIRL
from his blind in a bed of irises.

END SCENE

 

She could have been more persistent, like Alcibiades is always telling her to be, but she knows not to push her luck with a guy like this. She’s smarter than Eris was, and she wants them to know it. She’s not going to end up in jail like that dumb bitch.

The next few houses on the cul-de-sac are a bust. Either there’s no answer, or people close the door in her face. One woman, foggy with the stank of wet socks, tells her to “go chew a bone.” Real fucking clever, lady.

She walks back out the main road, meandering through the neighborhood. She’s looking for some kind of house—the type of place that looks a little like a worn patch in the bottom of a shoe. Some kind of place you could poke your little finger through if you pushed it with the point of your nail.

She sees one of the boys from the Squad walking toward her— the one everyone calls “Q.” He’s a tall and disheveled blond, with a long muzzle. Handsome in his way and not afraid to use his looks to make a sale—effective but crude. He struts toward her with his muscled chest pushed out.

“Yo,” he says, pushing his polo sleeves over his puffy biceps. “You moving big dollars over there?”

“I didn’t even try,” she lies. “Looks dead.” She’s taunting him.

“Shit, you don’t even know dead. I’m gonna go crush that. Watch.”

He smells like too much Cool Water and blueberry Swishers. “What about you?”
“Nah,” he says, “that whole end is a bunch of tightwad trolls.

One lady tells me she wants me to meet her Chihuahua. I swear to God, they just set us up to fail. I mean, where the fuck even are we, though?”

“I don’t know,” Zylina says, as Q heads back toward the house with the sniper in the yard.

Since she jumped in the van in the Target parking lot back home, they’ve been in a new city every day. They must have driven through the grease-yellow dust of three states, stopping in each one to knock on identical doors and run identical pitches on identical Buttonheads. If Zylina is lucky, she sells two hundred bucks worth of books and keeps half, minus her share of gas money and the motel. Now that Eris is gone, at least she gets her own room, even if she has to pay for it.

It’s not really that Alcibiades and Themistius want them to fail—at the end of the day, they’ve got to get their cut, too—they just have a pretty limited idea of who makes a good mark. But Zylina is figuring that out.

See, the way they think is: catch a few stay-at-home moms with more dollars than sense. These ladies don’t know that their orders for a Book of the Month aren’t likely to get filled anytime soon and don’t really care. They don’t read anyway. Maybe they like the idea of the books looking good on a shelf someday. It’s fifty bucks they were going to spend on more yoga pants.

The stay-at-home women are fooled because they don’t try not to be. They trust a good-looking kid in a uniform, even if that kid is a Dogface. Sometimes, especially if the kid is a Dogface, because then they’re doing good for a goddamn change. This kid wants to go to college! She wants to be like us! Even better: Doing Good came right to their door. They don’t even have to mute the TV.

But the angle that Alcibiades and Themistius are missing is the folks who don’t get fooled but will pay you anyway. Zylina’s seen it before: a woman who looks at you like she knows just who you are—a full-of-shit kid trying to get enough money for beer, somebody headed anywhere but college. This kind of person, they side-eye you as they hand you money and give you a smirk that says “enjoy all that while it lasts.” There’s something cynical but honest about that, Zylina thinks. The whole world is thirsty for a good frozen-vodka shot of truth.

 

Wandering a few blocks back toward the interstate, Zylina spots an apartment complex. Outside the gate to the parking lot, the shaggy bark of palm trunks shreds in the hot wind. Through the iron bars of the complex gate, the basin of a sputtering obelisk- shaped fountain is collecting hunks of mulch and a few gas station cups. The wind carries cheap incense and the kind of spicy food you leave cooking all day so it’s falling apart by dinner. She’s been living on boxes of defrosted waffles and energy drinks.

She waits for someone to come punch in the gate code. Themistius is always telling the Squad not to go looking for their own leads. “We’ll pick the doors. You just knock,” he tells them. And this was part of Eris’ problem, she started trying to pick doors—the heaviest doors, the richest ones. That and she started trying to rob motherfuckers.

But Zylina is more clever than Eris ever was. She’s not trying to trade up. She’s trying to trade down—looking for someone who recognizes her.

After a while, Zylina realizes that she could be waiting for hours for someone to drive up to the gate. Fuck it. She walks up to the split in the gate and pushes at the two sides. At first, she thinks they might not budge, and truthfully—for a second—she’s relieved. But then, the gate begins to slide. It opens just enough that she can squeeze through, and she slams it shut behind her.

Where the sidewalks of the posh neighborhood were totally abandoned, here in the apartments, she sees people drifting on the cracked pathways. An old man pushes a shopping cart full of laundry past her, leaving a whiff of musky dryer sheets. Two kids who ought to be in school boot a balding soccer ball off a wall, the smack ricocheting across the courtyard.

On the face of every building, balconies are cluttered with charcoal grills, disintegrating cardboard boxes, and pots of limp petunias. There’s even a legless sparring dummy like the one her cousin used to throttle, his shirt off in her parents’ driveway. The dummy’s head juts through the bars of the balcony like a snared animal.

On one balcony she sees an old woman sitting in a folding lawn chair, like her mother used to do, eyes closed against the sun. The woman wears a crepey dress in a bright pattern of diamonds. Zylina walks up the stairway of the woman’s building to the third floor. She approaches the door of the apartment that she thinks belongs to the woman. Zylina takes a breath and then presses the bell.

There’s buzzing inside, then the sliding of French doors, the rattle of plastic blinds, slippered feet shuffling on linoleum, a chain lock and deadbolt, a hand on the knob.

When the door opens, she sees the small woman standing there, smiling her chunky gray teeth, her ears half-covered in a loofa of gray curls.

“Can I help you, young lady?” she asks Zylina.

Zylina runs through the script Themistius insisted she memorize her first day in the van, the freeway exits flipping past her, becoming strange.

GOOD [MORNING/AFTERNOON/OTHER]! . . . I’M COMPETING IN AN EXCITING CONTEST, [SIR/MA’AM/OTHER] . . . THE OPPORTUNITY TO ADVANCE MY EDUCATION! . . . OVERCOMING CHALLENGES AND FULFILLING MY DREAMS! THE STRUGGLE OF BEING A MINORITY IN AN OCCIDENTAL WORLD . . . TO SUPPORT ME AND MY FAMILY BACK IN [HOMETOWN]!

When Zylina gets to the end of the script, and finishes showing the old woman the brochure of books that could be shipped to her on a monthly basis at a limited-time discounted rate, the woman asks, “Wouldn’t you like to come in for a cup of tea?”

This is not part of the scene.

“I don’t know, ma’am,” Zylina says. “I got a lot of houses I’m supposed to visit this morning.”

“You said you have to sell five hundred dollars a day to meet your goal? For the scholarship?”

“Uh, yeah,” Zylina says. The number is made up. Shit, lady, the scholarship is made up. They’re supposed to make as much money as they can, but nobody ever makes the goal. Q sold three hundred a few days ago and he celebrated by smoking everybody up at the motel that night.

“Well, I’d love to look over your brochure, sweetie,” the old woman tells her. “I’m sure I can find something. You just come in and sit for a while.”

Zylina tries to keep the satisfied surprise from her eyes, but she feels her ears stand straight with the shock.

Themistius would tell her this was a trap and she should get out of there. Tell her it’s against company policy. Themistius would remind her that this is what Eris did, going into customers’ houses where she wasn’t told to go, waiting until they went into the other room to get the slice of cake, the glass of lemonade, and then grabbing their purses or phones off the table and running out the door. When you play that game, you never know when the person you try to fool turns the tables and you end up arrested. But Zylina was just trying to run up her commissions. What was this woman going to do? Call the cops for accepting her invitation?

“OK,” Zylina says, handing her a brochure. “I guess I can pop in. For a quick minute.”

“Wonderful.”

Inside: traces of garlic, essential oils, ashed-out incense, and maybe, underneath that, some lingering stink from a cat a few years dead and cremated. A radio still plays out on the balcony. Zylina can hear the noodly guitars of classic rock radio coming through the glass—the kind her father used to sing along to with his improbable English: “The girl with col-li-ding soap eyes!”

The old woman pulls out a chair for her at a dinged-up kitchen table and wobbles over to the sink to fill a copper kettle that looks a little like the one Zylina’s mother kept on the stove at home.

“Do you mind if I ask a personal question?” the woman asks, like someone who doesn’t care if you mind or not.

“Whatever,” Zylina says.

“How long have you been doing this? Selling these books, I mean. Door to door?”

“It’s got to be almost three weeks, I guess.”

“That’s not such a long time away yet.” The woman puts some spoonfuls of tea into the basket of the kettle and turns on the stove, which ticks until the burner ignites. The gas is sharp in Zylina’s nose.

“It’s the longest that I’ve been away, but I don’t miss it much, really. Maybe you think that’s mean of me?”

“When I was young, all I wanted in the world was to get away from my parents. I thought they were just dreadful,” the woman says, turning back to Zylina. “My father was a banker.”

“My parents are pretty chill,” Zylina says, trying to gauge the woman’s response—how pathetic is enough to win her sympathy, but not so much that she seems like a lost cause? “But you know, they don’t know what it’s like for me in my town.”

“Of course they don’t.” The woman’s face softens with pity.

“They lost their shit, though, when I told them I dropped out of school.”

“School isn’t for everyone,” the woman says, angling an eyebrow.

“I guess,” Zylina says. “The kids didn’t talk to me, which is stupid because I’m the one who should be afraid of them.” She’s still not sure if she’s pegged this woman right. Just to be sure, she adds: “This is why I’m working so hard, ma’am. So that I can go back to school and make something out of my life.”

“Of course, it’s not so different around here,” the woman says. “You might have noticed. Or anywhere, I suppose.”

“But I don’t live here,” Zylina says. “I’m just moving through.”

The kettle spittles into the flame on the stove, and the woman rises to attend to it. While she fixes the tea with milk and sugar, Zylina looks around the small apartment.

What she first thought were just paintings hanging on the walls are instead framed weavings—red, blue, and yellow thread knotted into the shapes of bomber jets with wide wings and bulbous heads, or tanks with blocky treads. One repeats a pattern of grenades like crystalline green eggs. Another spreads an array of interlocking rifles. Zylina makes out beautiful missiles, intricate choppers, elegant borders of flame. Tea splashes into one cup, then the other.

The woman returns to the table and sets a teacup down in front of Zylina. The steam is too rich and hot, but she laps at it daintily.

“It’s good?” the woman asks, raising her white eyebrows.

“Sure. Thanks,” Zylina says. The woman looks disappointed at her reaction, and she pushes through her poofy hair to grasp the back of her neck. The pose uncovers her ear, the shape of a wave- beaten shell. A silver crescent earring, dripping with beads, hangs from it like a snail trying to escape.

“What are those?” Zylina says. “The pictures on the wall.”

“Yes,” the woman says, a smile wriggling her fleshy lips. “I thought you might find those familiar. They’re Cynocephalian.” She enunciates the term with careful precision.

Zylina has never actually seen that name used outside school or printed on her refugee card:

FEMALE, CYNOCEPHALIC

“Dogheaded,” her father had explained. “The only way their misshapen mouths can name us.”

“You collect them?” Zylina asks.

“When I could,” the woman says. “I don’t travel so much anymore.”

“So you’ve been there? To my—my parents’ country?”

“The first time I went was over twenty years ago, now. It was a much different place then, as I’m sure they’ve told you. The weapons were still there and the soldiers, but it was very peaceful for a little while. And with the most beautiful people! I wanted to swallow the whole place up and take it back with me in my belly. The last time was probably just before you came here. Just before the first bombings. Well, you know how it was then.”

“I don’t remember it either way,” Zylina tells her. This doesn’t make her sad to think, though she’s sure that this woman thinks she should be feeling some kind of way.

“So you don’t want to go back there someday?”

“No, ma’am. I’m going to California.”

“To go to school?”

“Well, maybe school. Maybe not. My parents told me I had to get a job or move out. So, I did both. I don’t really have a, like, long-term plan, but California is as west as you can go, so I’m going there. I’m getting lit and watching the sunset. Have you seen how purple the sunset is in California? The sunset there is like grape jelly. As soon as the van stops in California, I’m not getting back on.”

There’s something weird about the way the woman is staring at her hands as she rocks the tea cup. It could be that she really believed Zylina was going to be majoring in drama next year at USC, or some shit. Or it could be she’s just happy that Zylina didn’t bullshit her.

“The van?” the woman asks.

“Yeah. You know it drives us around—the Squad that I sell with. These two guys, they drive us and let us off. We take orders, get back on, and they drive us somewhere else.”

The woman’s eyes are fixed on Zylina’s hands, the same way she’s seen Alcibiades staring at her body—some stifled appetite. It seems like she is looking at her fingernail—the long one on her pinkie.

“Sounds kind of exciting,” the woman says. “Living on the open road.”

“I don’t know about that.” Zylina skims her nail along the rim of the cup, testing her.

“When you’re older, you’ll see. Life gets so dull so fast.”

“Thanks for the tea,” Zylina says, standing and fanning her fingers on the table for the woman to get one more look. “So, did you want to buy a subscription?”

“I’m still not totally certain,” the woman says. She puts her hand on Zylina’s, pressing down just hard enough to hold her palm to the wood.

“I thought you were going to order the books.” Zylina looks at the woman’s steamed-over gray eyes. She tries to show her disappointment. “Two full subscriptions you said.”

“Yes,” the woman says, “I was just wondering . . . Would you indulge me?”

“Ma’am?”

“Your fingernail. I was wondering if you would let me take your fingernail.”

Zylina moves to her practiced expression of alarm. It’s the kind of face she gave her parents the moment they told her that she had to leave the house. It didn’t stop them from kicking her out, but she’s pretty sure that it convinced her father to give her the fistful of twenties from his sock drawer before she left.

“I’d be willing to pay for it, of course. And it would grow back.”

“You gotta understand, ma’am, having been to my country, how important that is to my culture.”

Whatever that meant now. Her mother had taught her how to file the nail into a long point, how to lacquer it with polishes that she had kept in tiny crystal pots (now replaced with drugstore gunk), how to open doors and jars without breaking its fragile point, how to brandish it when she was pissed-off with someone. Her mother told her that it was supposed to remind her of the claws the Buttonheads thought all the Dogfaces had—a lie that told her something true.

She never really thought about it much, except that taking care of it made her mother happy even if the kids in school said it made her look like a cokehead. Since she had left, she kept it looking clean more out of habit than anything else.

“You can sign me up for three of your subscriptions,” the woman says with a sharp nod.

“But my mother . . .” Zylina says. “If I ever go home . . .”

“Alright,” the woman says, “I have eight hundred dollars. That’s enough for your five subscription quota with a little left over. You can write that down on your sheet however you’d like.” She winks, unzips a little nylon fanny pack and digs out a neat stack of Benjis.

Zylina makes a slow show of her agreement, taking a deep breath and holding out her hand. The woman tells her to sit still while she gets a pair of scissors.

Zylina listens to the sliding of drawers and the clatter of shuffling through the detritus contained in them—plastic, metal, glass. She stands quietly and walks to the far wall of the room. The framed weavings of the guns and grenades stare back at her. Zylina lifts the edge of one of the frames to look at all the tiny knots of silk, each one the trick of fingers like her own. She thinks of the Dogfaced women pulling hooks, combs, and needles, their own jeweled false-claws kissing the threads as they work. If she had a place to put it, she’d nab this thing—this work—right off the wall. She lets the frame back down, drifts back to the table, and sits down.

The actual cutting is quick. The woman’s hands shudder and the tip of her little Buttonhead tongue presses her upper lip. The stainless blades snip through the nail, and it drops like a breath into a linen napkin cradled in the woman’s palm. Before she places it in a small cedar box, the woman holds it over the tip of her own finger, as if auditioning some prosthesis of spirit.

The woman thanks her and then presses a wad of bills into Zylina’s hand. The money is heavy and damp. Zylina counts out five hundred for the books, three hundred for the nail. She wonders if the woman always keeps so much money on hand. If there is more. If it would be easy to take. She thinks of Eris—how good it must have felt to give in to this curiosity.

“You keep yourself safe,” the woman says as they approach the door.

“Don’t worry about me, ma’am,” Zylina says, looking the woman in the eyes. “There’s plenty of other people to worry about.”

She hurries down the apartment building stairs and strides through the complex back toward the gate. The loss of the nail is such a small change, but without it she feels at once camouflaged and somehow more exposed. The kids kicking the soccer ball do not stop as she crosses the courtyard, and the old man with his laundry cart, who must be coming back with another load, does not lift his head as she passes him in the parking lot. Still there is an alarming sense of lightness. When she gets back to the neighborhood where Alcibiades and Themistius dropped her off, she avoids the other kids in the Squad. There are dandelions growing in the seams of the sidewalks. Zylina spends the last hour kicking off their heads.

 

That night, they stay in a Budget Inn a few miles down the interstate. The pool is open, but the water is filmed with leaves and oily scum. By eleven, nearly everyone is drunk and back in their rooms. Zylina is still stretched out in a plastic chaise with a pool towel wrapped around her knees. Alcibiades is there, too, and they are watching the boy called Q, who sits shirtless with his feet swishing in the water. One of the other boys sits next to him glancing between the smoldering blunt in his fingers and Q’s chest, which flexes, covered in goosebumps. Zylina wraps the towel tighter.

“Damn, you crushed it today, huh?” Alcibiades says, lifting a tallboy of Bud to his lips.

“I guess,” Zylina says. She keeps running her thumb over the rough edge of her pinkie nail.

“Must be working that uniform, like I said.”

“Hell yeah. All the stay-at-home moms drooling at my titties in this shirt,” Zylina says, squeezing her arms together and giving a shimmy.

Alcibiades laughs a little too hard at this, and she goes quiet looking at him. He shows his square teeth and his little nostrils flare. He really is good-looking for a Buttonhead. At least that’s what she thinks right now. She finds herself staring at his ears again. They are soft, delicate, bare—nothing like her own, which stand and point without her choice, covered in coarse red fur.

“Seriously, though,” he says, scrunching his eyebrows and looking into her eyes.

“Seriously, what?”

“I saw you wandering off today. You went into those apartments. You went inside one, with some little old lady, and you didn’t come out for, like, a half-hour. And then when you did, you walked away pretty quick, huh?”

Zylina looks away from him, back toward the pool, where Q and the other boy lean together, licking each other’s faces.

“You don’t even know that was me,” she says, trying to keep her eyes from going wide and her ears from pricking.

“You get a good look around here?” Alcibiades says. “Not a lot of Dogface girls in red polo shirts.”

Across the pool, the boys’ feet are still dangling in the dirty chlorine. They grope at each other’s arms, their waistbands.

“Look,” Alcibiades says, “the folks at the corporate office have been pretty concerned since what happened to Eris. So, maybe you were lost. Maybe I can write down on my report to corporate that I saw you were lost and you stopped to ask directions.”

“Yeah, OK,” Zylina says, “I was lost.”

“Alright. Maybe I’ll write that then. You know, corporate doesn’t want me to have to call the cops on anyone else.”

You called the cops on Eris?”

“I had to. She was gonna get us shut down. But you know, you’re smarter than that. And I like you.”

“I like you, too,” Zylina says, and there’s a part of her that means it. Maybe the same part that is feeling grateful that Alcibiades hasn’t called the cops on her, or the part of her that’s flattered that he looks at her, even now, like he’s hungry for something. She’s worried that it’s the part of her that can’t see a way out of this. She’s picking at the rough edge of her missing pinkie nail. It feels like a scab.

“I’m glad,” he says. “I think that’s going to make things easier.”

She can’t look at him. The boys are leaving the pool, leaning their slick bodies together. She stares down at the towel. The loops in the cotton remind her of the weavings in the old woman’s house with the pictures of the weapons in them. She wonders if the people who made them thought they were just recording what they saw—if they were trying to write history in those rugs. If they were trying to tell her something.

She feels Alcibiades’ fingers on her jaw. His touch is gentle but strong. He lifts her head to look up at him as he slides next to her. “Look,” he says. “You are a really good Squad member. And I think you’re so beautiful and smart.” He smiles almost shyly at her. “You got such soulful eyes.”

“Thanks,” she says. She realizes she is holding her breath.

“And I really like this.” He uses the tip of his thumb to point to his own tongue resting on his lower lip. She realizes that he’s talking about her tongue and feels her ears prickling.

Nervously, she leans in toward his mouth. Cardboardy beer sours his breath. She’s never kissed an Occidental before. She’s never even thought about how it would work. But as she gets close to his mouth, Alcibiades puts his hand on her shoulder and turns away.

“I didn’t mean like that,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” Zylina says. She covers her eyes—half with embarrassment, half with relief.

“It’s just,” he says, “I’ve never been with a

bitch

before.”

The word, coming out of this Buttonhead’s mouth, strikes her.

“Oh,” she says.

“Hey,” Alcibiades says. “Let’s try this.” He reaches down and unbuckles his belt. She hears the soft tinkling of the buckle and then the scratch of his zipper. When he reaches for the fur on the back of her head, she doesn’t need to look down. She can smell him. Bad beer and the ripeness of a man. Her fingernail is still gone, but on the tip of her tongue she can feel the points of her teeth.

“Wait,” Zylina says, tilting her head down to look at him. “I want to tell you what we do . . . back in my country.”

Alcibiades leans toward her and she pushes her muzzle toward his soft, dumb ear. She hears the heave of his breathing, his thudding pulse, the hungry click of his mouth. And beyond that, the hum of the interstate, a gust that just picked up, sizzling dirt against the motel windows.

Before she bites down and tugs back, ripping the cartilage from the pale skin behind his temple, she licks the warm, soft lobe of it, sending electricity down his neck and spine. It is an unspeakable gift.

All he can manage in return is a scream.

 

Zylina is still holding on to the ear as she walks into the sulfurous light of a Valero parking lot. She wipes the thickening blood from her lips with the corner of the pool towel and fingers the folds of flesh cupped in her palm. In the store, she spots a rack of red, white, and blue T-shirts that say PROUD in blocky letters across the chest. In the bathroom, she takes off the uniform polo and changes into the T-shirt. In the mirror, she sees herself—long fox-red face, black nose, ears that tremor, even now, at every noise. She holds up Alcibiades’ ragged ear to the side of her head, covering her own. It’s a bad fit.

“Understand?” she says to herself through the ear. Then wraps it in the polo and throws it in the trash.

She pays for the T-shirt, an energy drink, and a bag of snack mix with banana chips. The lady at the counter clucks her tongue when Zylina asks which direction she needs to go to get to California, but then points left along the interstate. On the access road, Zylina stands with her thumb out, the pool towel wrapped around her bare arms. In the dark, it is impossible to see the little streaks of blood staining it at the edges.

A box truck rolls to a stop in front of her. A driver, whose face she cannot yet see, leans over the cab and pushes open the door. She breathes in, preparing to ask how far the driver is going. It is a bargain she can make in her own voice.

Zylina reaches through the neck of her new shirt and thumbs the hundred-dollar bills stuffed into her bra. Those people who wove guns into their rugs—maybe they weren’t sending her a message but a cure.

 

MOTHER’S LOVE, A SOCRATIC DIALOGUE.
PERSONS OF THE DIALOGUE: Zylina. Mother.

SCENE:—In Exile.

 

MOTHER. I am telling you to stay because I love you.
ZYLINA. Well, your love is a little fucking hard sometimes.
MO. Is it?
ZY. Yes. Your love is like cinderblocks under some ragged-ass pillow.
MO. What should my love be like? Tell me that, Zylina. How should I love?
ZY. I don’t know, Mom. Maybe don’t be so mad at me for leaving?
MO. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
ZY. Did you get that from a TV show?
MO. Probably yes, but does that make it false?
ZY. Does it make it corny?
MO. You should do what I have done: Give up your home and career to bring your child out of war and poverty.
Work hard for not enough money only to watch your child reject the opportunity she has been given! Then
tell me you think about my texture. Then tell me who is cinderblocks and who is ragged-ass.
ZY. Ohmygod.
MO. Your grades are good. You have one year left. Why would you not go to college and make a way for yourself
in the world?
ZY. What makes you think that that’s what’s good for me if it’s not what I want?
MO. It’s because I love you.
ZY. Why do you keep saying that?
MO. I say what’s true. I don’t have to prove my love to you.
ZY. You could try.
MO. Tell me: How do I prove? Do you want me to bleed for you? Give me the knife. I bleed for you every day.
ZY. Stop. You’re so extra. Just tell me one time—one time you loved me normally like a mother.
MO. Yes, I’ll tell you. When you were just a baby, three children died in one year from scorpion stings. The nearest hospital was a half-day’s drive away. Your father’s car might not have even made it so far. But the herbalist in our village started using a big horse’s needle to inject the children with scorpion venom. He told everybody that with the venom already in their veins, the scorpions would stay away. It had been thinned—almost harmless. Still, it was a very difficult choice.
ZY. What? Did you do that to me?
MO. Of course. You were fevered for three days. That needle is still inside my heart. But you were never stung by a scorpion. I was always a good mother to you.
ZY. Mom, that’s insane.
MO. No. Not getting you the cure would have been insane.
ZY. That’s not even scientific.
MO. I’m not proving scientifically. You want to know how I love you, and I am telling you. Perhaps my love is needle-love, but how else can it protect you?
ZY. Do you even hear yourself? Why can’t you just be a normal mother? Do you actually believe you can protect people just by feeding them a little piece of what’s trying to hurt them?
MO. Why shouldn’t I believe? You’re still here, aren’t you?

The Robert Watson Literary Prize Poem SERTRALINE

Object permanence: something my dog doesn’t think
I possess. She sits on the ball when she no longer wants

to participate. I wish to one day hold that kind of boldness.
Near us, a heron puffs his chest, wades knee-deep into

the marsh. What is more than one heron called? I never learned
that one. A flamboyance of flamingos, watch of nightingales,

bouquet of pheasants. My mother is somewhere, probably
working or maybe driving to the store. She likes to shop the sales.

We used to have the same birthmark, right over our left hip.
Hers: gone. Mine: bleeds. I look for deeper water. The dog likes

to float. Isn’t that how witches were tested in Salem? Something
about floating, something about weighing the same as a duck.

To keep still, I imagine the oil-sheen of a mallard in the dog’s
mouth, my mother’s hand in mine. It’s a siege, a siege of herons.

CROCUSES

 

 For Stuart Dischell

After nearly hacking them down

while mowing my back lawn,

I think of Rimbaud aroused

by their purples and greens

as they spiked between

the stones of the Rue de Buci,

barbarous among the modernity.

DIXIE WHISTLE

“Breaker, breaker one-seven for anyone coming this way. Mama Bear sleeps in the shadow of a Coca-Cola sign just past the mile marker two-six on I-20. She looks hungry. This is a public service announcement.”

Ma laughs. “Where’d you come up with that?”

And then the radio bursts: “That’s a ten-four. This is Sandstorm.”

A lady trucker. Candy squeals at getting a response, and her mother, in the driver’s seat, laughs with her.

“I didn’t think that thing worked,” Ma says.

The responses blast into the car.

“Mud Hut, copy here, much obliged.”

“Snapper, copy.”

“Y’all shittin me? Did a chipmunk just chew the wire?”

Sandstorm comes back on and says, “Now, Bronc, you watch that silver tongue around the child. What’s your handle, sweetheart?”

Candy hasn’t thought of a handle.

“Don’t look at me,” Ma tells her.

They pass the shopping plaza with the name that makes her think of paper cups. WINN-DIXIE. The radio in the car says whistler. “You can call me Dixie Whistle,” she says into the microphone.

“What’s your wrapper there, Miss Whistle?”

“My what?”

“Your wrapper’s your ride, Dixie Whistle. What you’re toodlin around in.”

Ma says, “Don’t you dare.”

“Blue Monte Carlo,” Candy says.

Their wrapper is really a maroon Dart, not new but new to them, with a black vinyl roof. Ma saved up six hundred dollars and the nice mister with the German shepherd said he’d toss in the CB unit for free rather than disconnect the antenna.

“Belongs to my pa.”

“Well ain’t you a helpful angel there, Dixie Whistle. You let your Pa Whistle know how obliged we are for the sniffaroo.”

Ma says, off-button, “I heard her.”

 

It’s a Burger King night. They get it through the window and Candy sneaks fries from the warm bag on her lap. For an extra ninety-nine cents they get an Empire Strikes Back drinking glass. Now they only need Lando to complete the set of four. They had a Lando earlier, but there was no time to pack him before they left.

In Aunt Vicki’s living room they watch Tic Tac Dough and Candy guesses right on a question about Colorado. She has a quiz on the capitals in a week.

“Aren’t you a smarty,” Aunt Vicki says. She takes a sip of Dr. Pepper.

“Top of her class,” Ma says.

“Show-off,” Maxine says from the floor.

Then a question comes up about the capital of Connecticut, which Candy knows because that’s where they used to live—where Pa still lives—before they got away. The screaming under the kitchen lights. The silver beer stacked in the Frigidaire Frost-Free Refrigerator-Freezer. Fruit magnets holding up her spelling tests. The Greyhound bus over the mountains.

Candy gets another question right, and Aunt Vicki points to Maxine. “This one could take a lesson,” she says.
Maxine sticks out her tongue at Candy.

Candy holds her hands over her ears when they play The Mean Dragon because the roar always startles her. Her intuition kicks in. She knows the Dragon is hidden behind Number Eight. The contestant’s smiling husband is sitting in the front row holding up four fingers so the woman says, “My husband says Number Four, Wink, so I’ll have to go with Number Four!” And then there’s the reveal, Candy pressing her ears with her fingers—wubba, wubba, ching!—two hundred dollars.

Then the woman goes on her own and picks Number Eight for their eight-year-old son, and she and her smiling husband are not going to Puerto Vallarta.

“You ought to be on this show, Candy-babe,” Ma says with a playful kick. “You win us a bunch of money and me and Vicki can quit working at Uptons.”

 

The apartment is too small for the four of them, but Ma says it’s only temporary until she can save enough for her and Candy to get their own place down here. For now, Candy sleeps on a cot in Maxine’s room and Ma gets Aunt Vicki’s couch. Ma made it sound like fun.

When Candy was little and Aunt Vicki and Maxine would come north to visit, she and Maxine would play, but Maxine’s got boyfriends now, wears tank tops and has boobs, and is hardly ever home. Some nights she’s out until it’s darker than Candy would ever be allowed to be out and a car with a revving engine peels away right as Maxine comes in the front door. And then when Aunt Vicki and Ma go out at night, it’s Maxine who stays with Candy and even though sometimes they still play it doesn’t feel the same, like Maxine is waiting things out.

For that first week or so it was like having a sister all of a sudden. Going around her room, Maxine plucked things on the fly for Candy to have: a couple of dolls, a stack of books, a few kiddie T-shirts that weren’t going to fit Maxine anymore. “Since y’all just left with the clothes on your backs,” she said.

Maxine had her own radio, like the one in Ma’s car, on the shelf next to her hi-fi, and she turned it on one night when Ma and Aunt Vicki had gone out. Maxine taught Candy the slang, some of which Candy knew already from watching B.J. and the Bear.

There was a low hiss, then a squawk of voices would spit from the speaker, and a line of red lights would glow all the way to the end.

Maxine picked up the microphone, held the button. The voices on the other end flirted back: howdy and kind.

 

The new box of Honeycombs includes a miniature aluminum license plate. It reads sky high in embossed capital letters and has an outline in the shape of Montana. Candy now has five plates in her collection and, more importantly, once she is finished with the box, she can mail two dollars and two box tops to the Post Cereal Company of Battle Creek, Michigan, to obtain the complete set of plates for the year 1980.

It’s Saturday morning and Ma and Aunt Vicki have left for their daylong shift at Uptons. Maxine is nowhere to be found. Before she left, Ma said it’s supposed to be a nice day, Candy-babe, you ought to go out on your bike and see if you can make yourself a friend. Except Ma forgot that Candy’s bike, as far as she knows, is still propped against the wall in their garage in Connecticut next to the Ford Granada. The used bike that Aunt Vicki found at a tag sale the day after Ma and Candy moved in may have been a nice gesture and all, but it is not her bike.

“Don’t know if I like you being cooped up here all alone,” Ma said. “Just remember your key, okay?”

“I will.”

“And if the phone rings?”

“Don’t pick up.”

“That’s a girl.”

Candy eats two bowls of Honeycombs and watches The Super Globetrotters and Fat Albert until she hears sirens coming from the interstate. She goes to Maxine’s room and turns the receiver to the state police channel.

Maxine told her that the local bacon sits on the S-curve past the Pizza Hut, where the speed limit is 35, and sets traps for the out-of-state haulers before the staties can get a chance.

Also, Channel 19 is the truckers’ channel, but around Atlanta they take it to 17 when they think they’re being sniffed. So many smugglers down in these parts, Maxine says, beer and whiskey for cheap.

A voice comes on: “Can I get a run on a Kentucky trailer, Romeo Romeo three-six. Kid says he’s en route to Tallahassee.”

A little while later: “That’s a squeaker in front of you, twenty-four.”

“No kidding. He’s barely out of the package.”

“I’m sure he went over at least one line, Officer.”

Candy turns back to Channel 17. She picks up the microphone.

“Breaker, breaker one-seven, calling out to Sandstorm. This is Dixie Whistle. You out there, Sandstorm? Snapper? Bronco? I’m here with a troop scoop.”

The line fritzes, whistles. They are probably out of range.

 

“Ask me another one.”

Ma is dressed for the evening, her eyelids silvered. They are waiting for Aunt Vicki and Maxine, who have gone out for chicken in a bucket. Ma puts down her cigarette, picks up the flash cards, shuffles, and draws. “Idaho,” she says.

Candy remembers Idaho as the state in the corner of the map that looks like a graham cracker with a bite taken out. She plays with the syllables. “Idaho. Eyed-a-hoe. I dun-no, Idaho. Des Moines?”

“Nope.”

She wonders if Sandstorm has been to Idaho. In Candy’s ten years and nine months on earth, she has only been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Georgia, and the states the Greyhound bus passed through in between. Mark Yetter had been to nineteen states and in class he pointed to each of them on the pull-down map.

“I give up.”

“Boys,” Ma says.

“Boys?”

Ma flips the card. B-O-I-S-E.

“Ask me another.”

“You sure you studied these, Candy-babe?”

“I’m studying now, aren’t I?”

Ma drags her cigarette and draws another card.

 

Maxine brought out her Hardy Boys game for her and Candy to play. But after Ma and Aunt Vicki go out, Maxine tells Candy that Jeff will be coming over. The game remains in its tape-cornered box on the kitchen table.

“You can meet him,” Maxine says, “but then you need to leave.”

Candy wonders if she’ll look like Maxine when she’s fifteen. After Ma and Aunt Vicki are gone, Maxine takes off her sweater to reveal a pretty red polka-dotted short-sleeved top. She puts on lipstick and mascara in the bathroom. She talks to the mirror, watches her lips move as she calls out to Candy that she doesn’t want any chicken, doesn’t eat anything fried anymore.

 

“Breaker one-seven, Dixie Whistle in her cave. Bronco? Sandstorm? You out there?”

“Well, good evenin, girlie.”

“Hi, Sandstorm! What’s your twenty?”

“I’m about twenty-five minutes outside the circle. Lookin forward to a knock back at the ol choke and puke with Bronco and Snapper, I’m gatherin they’ve started without me. Do you believe that, honey?”

Jeff had come in through the back door. He looked older than fifteen. Maxine’s polka dots rode up as she stood tiptoe in the kitchen to lock her arms around his neck. Candy watched the flutter of the boy’s hand down Maxine’s back, grazing her butt, settling at the hold of her hip.

Maxine suggested to Candy that she pour herself a glass of soda pop and take some chicken and biscuits into the bedroom.

The bones sit gnawed on the grease-spotted paper plate on the bedroom floor.

 

On Monday, Candy comes home with a 96 on her state capitals quiz, and Ma hugs her hard and says they ought to celebrate and go out to Pizza Hut, but Candy asks if they can go to the diner instead.

“What diner is that?”

“Near the Winn-Dixie.”

Ma holds her cigarette without lighting it and glances up to the ceiling like she does when she’s doing math in her head. “I don’t know of any diner there, Candy-babe.”

Over the newspaper at the kitchen table, Aunt Vicki says, “Honey, are you talking about the truck stop?”

Candy hadn’t expected her aunt or her mother to know anything about the place.

“I’ve heard the burgers are really good there,” Candy says.

Aunt Vicki chuckles, with Ma following, like there’s a joke flitting between them that Candy wouldn’t get. Ma says, “Not sure we’d be welcome there, Candy-babe. That’s kind of like waltzing into someone else’s church. What made you think of that place?”

 

Over pepperoni slices and sodas, Candy is confused as to why the talk seems to be about grown-up things when she and her near-perfect knowledge of state capitals are supposedly the reason they are out celebrating at Pizza Hut. Some guy named Philip keeps coming up.

“Who’s Philip?” Maxine asks.

“Nobody,” Ma says.

But then Aunt Vicki says, “Just a troublemaker who preys on unsuspecting women.”

“What?” Candy says.

Aunt Vicki looks across the table at Candy. “Your mom has an admirer, dear.”

“I want to hear more,” Maxine says.

“Where’d you meet him?”

“He works with us at Uptons. Vicki knows him.”

“He sells sportswear and comes over every day to talk to your mother,” Aunt Vicki says.
Maxine asks, “Is he cute?”

Ma shrugs, but then Aunt Vicki elbows her and says, “That’s not what you told me in the car!”

“He’s sweet, Vic!”

Aunt Vicki cups her hand around her mouth and whispers to Candy: “She thinks he’s quite handsome.”

Later, sitting on the edge of Candy’s cot, Ma says, “You know, it’s been a while since I’ve gone out with anybody, Candy-babe. You know how you’ve had trouble making friends? We’ve been down here long enough and sometimes when you’re a grown-up, you like having another grown-up around to listen to you. You get what I mean?”

 

Candy creeps down the hallway and peers into the living room. She hears whispers, giggles, shushes. She detects an odor like after gym class.

Ma was done up a little nicer tonight, in a dress that Candy hadn’t seen before. She could smell perfume behind Ma’s ears when they hugged goodbye.

This time, dinner is beef teriyaki and rice, straight out of the carton, with chopsticks. Maxine was wearing a tank top under her sweater and wriggled off her jeans in favor of a short skirt, full ensemble like in between scenes for a play.

Jeff didn’t bother to say hello.

Now the only light in the room comes from the seawater flicker of the TV, which illuminates Jeff’s shirtless torso on top of her cousin. Maxine’s nail-polished fingers run up and down his back.

Candy hops lightly back to the bedroom and closes the door. She puts on her sneakers, then her jacket. The window opens wide enough for her to pass through and she trusts herself to make the leap to the grass. The air is cool and since it’s already dark and past the time she would ever be allowed to be out, it feels like she doesn’t need to rush.

 

It’s five hundred and sixty-seven miles to Atlanta from Columbus, Ohio, where Sandstorm departed in her Kenworth earlier that morning hooked onto a tankerful of phosphoric acid. (“It’s stuff that goes in your Coca-Cola,” she explained over the wires.) From what Sandstorm told Candy, she can expect an eight-hour haul plus or minus the weekend traffic on Interstate 75. Then a knock back at the Choke with Mud Hut and Snapper and whoever hasn’t run their rig off into a ditch.

Aunt Vicki and Maxine’s house is close enough to the interstate that Candy can follow the railroad tracks with a flashlight and not get lost. The tracks go right over the highway. Cars whoosh beneath her, white headlights on one side turning into red taillights going out the other. She sings to herself to make the time pass and soon appearing over the horizon is the glowing sign for the Winn-Dixie and then the diner, which Aunt Vicki called a truck stop though it doesn’t seem to have a name other than D-I-N-E-R.

She hops down the grass slope and under the dusk ambles across the parking lot, past people leaning against cars, cigarettes blazing in their fingers. Women in skirts that end above their knees stand in a row like they’re waiting for rides. They let their glances linger on Candy as she walks, the way most adults seem to now, like she’s a curiosity and maybe a threat but surely someone else’s problem. She thinks of diners like Mel’s Diner on Alice or the silver ones shaped like trolley cars, but what she sees when she enters this one is like something closer to a Howard Johnson’s if they dimmed the lights and kicked out all the kids. No one is eating. A half-dozen folks at the bar laugh over mugs and saucers, and the haze is rank with cigarette smoke and burnt coffee.

The only women in the place are a couple of waitresses with their heads down, folding napkins or sorting silverware into trays, except for one woman who sits at the counter in a line of flannel and denim and mesh hats, swirling a cup of coffee and whispering to the man next to her.

Candy takes a chance. She walks past the sign that says PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED, winding through the tables unnoticed until she has positioned herself directly behind the woman.

A voice like a mouse in this hangar: “Hi.”

And then: “Excuse me.”

The woman doesn’t hear Candy, but one of the men does and then it’s the men turning around with their hats and grins, missing her at first, growly and confused. Then they look down and meet her eyes. Candy senses these men looking at her in a new way, from the bottom up.

“The fuck’s this going on?” one says. “Carlo, this your date here?”

The explosion of laughter causes the woman to turn around and get a load of the fuss. She stops laughing when Candy locks her gaze.

“Are you Sandstorm?”

The rest of the laughter drops.

“Who’s askin, may I ask?”

“It’s me,” Candy says. “Don’t you recognize my voice?”

The woman smiles, a half-smile like she’s waiting for the rest of the reveal. Sandstorm looks around for an adult assigned to this charge and when she doesn’t see one says, “Oh, honey. Oh, sweetie. You the one been givin me tips on the radio, ain’t you?”

“I knew you’d be here! I found you!”

“You sure did find me.” The woman’s eyes slide left to right and back. “Guess it ain’t hard to find me. When I’m not in my rig I’m usually here with these . . . knucklebones.” She opens her hand to the rest of the counter. “Snapper, Bronco, Mud Hut? You fellas know our girl Dixie Whistle.”

 

Lighting a cigarette outside the restaurant, Sandstorm says, “You ain’t really no Dixie, are you?”

Even by the glow of the flame, Sandstorm looks younger than Candy had envisioned from the voice that rasped through the radio. Her hair feathers out from the mesh of her STP cap and is the kind of reddish brown the Crayola company calls mahogany. She wears jeans and a man’s gray flannel shirt buttoned halfway up and underneath that flannel Candy can see a T-shirt with a design in red, white, and blue.

In the diner, Sandstorm bought Candy a Coca-Cola, which Candy sips from a glass bottle that feels cold and substantial in her hand.

“My real name’s Candace. My ma calls me Candy-babe.”

Sandstorm pockets her lighter. “No, I mean, you don’t talk like no Dixie. I heard that little voice squeakin over the radio and didn’t know where I was. You oughta call yourself Penny-Whistle. Cause you don’t sound a thing like Dixie.”

“Who gave you the name Sandstorm?” Candy asks.

Sandstorm blows a stream of smoke upward the same way Ma does when she’s trying to remember something. “So long ago, I don’t recall who it was. When you start out, they give you a handle. My real name’s Sandy, see. All the other truckers were men, and none of them were used to seein a lady blowin past them in a rig. I guess I made them go blind.”

“Hey, we rhyme!” Candy says.

“How’s that?”

“Candy and Sandy.”

Sandstorm laughs and says, “Well how about that! I didn’t even notice. You must be good in school.”

Candy shrugs. She was hoping for something else, anything but school. “I don’t like my school. I’m new there. They don’t like me.”

“They probably don’t like you cause you’re so smart. Make them feel slow, they’ll make you feel bad for it. That’s how it always happens. Ain’t your fault they can’t catch up to you.” Sandstorm takes a drag off her cigarette, leans her head back like she’s looking for something in the stars. “Try bein a girl who decides she wants to drive a truck for a living. People sayin there’s something wrong with you that you don’t wanna stick around and bake cookies and all that. I mean your teachers, friends, parents—all those people who were sayin before to follow your dreams, we love you, we believe in you, then you tell them your dream and it’s like a switch and they’re tryin to convince you you’re wrong in the head. I told myself, they’re all scared I might end up in a better place than them. Not long before you learn it ain’t worth wastin your time worryin about what people think. Like what these kids in your school think of you. They ain’t gonna change their minds, so make them think there’s something they don’t know.”

Then Sandstorm says, “You didn’t grow up around these parts, huh?”

Candy shakes her head. “We moved here from Connecticut. Ma and me.”

“Your ma know you’re out here this late, Candace?” Sandstorm shakes down her sleeve and holds her lighter over her watch and squints at the time. “Jesus, out after midnight, and you’re just a baby.”

“I’m almost eleven,” Candy says.

“Not that I’d really know, but that’s still gotta be too late for a kiddo your age. You sneak out or something?”
Candy doesn’t respond to this. Instead she asks, “Have you ever been to Idaho?”

“Idaho?” She exhales smoke. “Shit, sweetie, I been everywhere. Just like the song. Couldn’t tell you the last time I had a haul up there, though. It was probably beautiful. I really don’t remember.”

 

Candy knew she was in trouble when she saw Maxine’s window closed. She thought she could sneak around through the back of the house but that’s where Ma turned out to be. Aunt Vicky and Maxine were not in the apartment.

“Where the hell were you?” Ma had the yellow telephone from the hall with her, the cord stretched so taut around the corner the loops were flattened out of it. “I come home and it’s well after midnight and you’re not in your room, and some kid I’ve never seen before is on top of Maxine! I’d like an explanation!”

“His name is Jeff.”

Whose name is Jeff?”

“Maxine’s boyfriend.”

“Maxine is going to have a baby of her own to take care of at the rate she’s going. Where were you?”

“I was at the diner.”

“What diner?”

The answer that pops into her head—the one she has the presence of mind not to say—is the one with the big sign that says D-I-N-E-R.  She tries to think of a better answer when the radio calls from Maxine’s room:

“Breaker one-seven, breaker one-seven. This is Sandstorm calling out to Dixie Whistle. You back in your cave, Candy? Please give a holler.”

Ma hears the voice and looks around like it must have come out of one of the heating vents in the floor. She follows the voice to Maxine’s room. The radio squawks again and that’s when she sees the receiver light up, hears the hums fading in and out.

“Who have you been talking to, Candace Marie?”

“Sandstorm looking for a twenty on Dixie Whistle. Last seen at the Atlanta choke and puke. Anyone out there see Dixie back in her cave, please holler.”

“Sounds like you have yourself a following there, Dixie,” Ma says. She walks over and unhooks the microphone and swallows before she puts it to her mouth.

“This is Ma Whistle. Who is this?”

“I do beg your pardon, ma’am, this is Sandstorm callin out for Dixie Whistle. Lookin for a twenty on a girl about eleven years old, jeans and a green jacket with red stripes on her sneakers. She left the I-20 diner about forty-five minutes ago.”

Ma thinks of what she wants to say, with no idea what kind of rabbit hears these things, what the protocol is. She holds the button. “I appreciate your concern, Miss Sandstorm. Young Dixie is indeed back in her cave, and I think it’s safe to say she will not be leaving that cave for a good long time. This is Ma Whistle, over and out.”

It takes Ma a couple minutes to figure out which cord leads to where, but when the breath of the radio goes out and the red light is off she goes a step further and yanks the unit from the shelf, microphone dangling on its cord, bouncing and trailing along the carpet. She takes it into the living room, and Candy doesn’t follow her to see what she does with it but imagines that it involves one of Aunt Vicki’s cabinets that she was warned never to open.

Ma stomps back into the bedroom and pulls Candy around by both of her shoulders. Ma’s eyes are wet, the silver streaking down her cheeks. They haven’t been wet like this since Ma and Candy left Connecticut when her eyes were wet all of the time.

“Those are not your friends, baby. You hear me? Those voices out there? Those are strangers. You don’t know where they’re coming from, you don’t know where they’re going. You don’t know what they have to lose. I know you haven’t been finding friends easy down here but you can’t just pull them out of nowhere like that! They will use you up!”

 

The air has a new, unfriendly quiet, absent the crackle. Saturday, during her mother’s shift, Candy goes out on the bike that Aunt Vicki brought home. She has rubber-banded her Georgia license plate (peachy) to the rear frame beneath the banana seat. A couple of years ago it might have been a perfect size bike for her, but now her knees reach higher than the handlebars and she can only ride it to the 7-Eleven so many times. She finds some kids playing Wiffle ball in a schoolyard and doesn’t have the breath for words when they stop and turn around to ask her just what does she think she’s staring at.

At school they ask why she talks so weird. Why her skin’s so pale. She asked her mother what “reckon” meant, since that’s all people say they do down here is reckon, and when Ma didn’t know Candy looked the word up herself in the paperback dictionary that Aunt Vicki kept beneath the TV with the JC Penney catalogs, but all it said was something about paying the money you owe.

On her bike, the neighborhood feels small, and she tries to work out how likely it is she’ll run into the kids from her class. Fifth grade in Georgia feels like what fourth grade did in Connecticut, only down here all the girls except Candy already wear makeup and chew so much gum. They had already read the books for this year at Candy’s old school, so she gets bored and tries to answer the teacher’s questions without sounding like she knows it all, but they already know she knows it all.

Even Maxine doesn’t want her around now that she’s grounded for being caught with Jeff and blames Candy for her getting in trouble. Candy doesn’t see how it’s her fault; she was all ready to play Hardy Boys. If having a boy like you means getting painted up and squished on the couch and never being able to eat any of the food you like, then Candy wonders just what’s so special about the whole thing, but she doubts that Maxine knows, either.

 

Candy gets to meet Philip when he shows up early on moving day in his red pickup truck. His work-gloved hands grip the boxes that Candy packed herself, filled with the books and clothes that Maxine gave her, as well as her license plates. In work boots, he clomps up the stairs, three flights past the apartment of the new landlady, Mrs. Bergendahl, whose Jack Russell terrier barks and scratches on the other side of the door every time they pass.

This time Candy gets her own room, with a real bed and a real closet. Even though it’s only a couple of miles from where Aunt Vicki and Maxine live, for Candy the move means a transfer to yet another school, more explaining and pretending. There were no friends to say goodbye to this time, at least.

Philip sets the boxes down gently in her room, where her bed has been already assembled and made. He looks at the bare yellow walls with his hands on his hips like a frontiersman and says, “I guess we’ve got work to do, huh?”

 

Soon Philip is eating Burger King with them when they watch Tic Tac Dough, letting Candy know how impressed he is when she identifies Pennsylvania as the Keystone State. He is there again on the weekends, watching Georgia Tech basketball in the living room with Ma leaning into him, the two of them cheering when a Tech player scores even though Ma has never cared for basketball in her life.

As he settles in, Philip looks for ways he can help. He adjusts the handlebars on Candy’s not-really-hers bike so her knees don’t hit them when she pedals. He is comically bad at mini-golf and worse at Monopoly and doesn’t seem to care when he loses, which doesn’t make it as much fun as it should be when Candy wins. Candy wonders when she’ll see the rest of him. She hasn’t heard what it sounds like when he yells, hasn’t seen him smash a beer bottle into brown shards of glass. What he’s like when he doesn’t get what he wants.

The CB radio is gone from the Dart. Philip turned out to have a friend who was willing to buy it for forty dollars. It doesn’t matter because Ma had shut the unit off long ago and, anyway, they hardly ride in the Dart anymore; when they go out, it’s often the three of them packed in a row in the cab of Philip’s truck with Candy on the hump, the radio playing the twangy music they like down here that Ma was never into before she met Philip but suddenly she knows the words to, sings along to sometimes.

 

Summer arrives; a thicker haze descends. They don’t keep the public library open for long during the day, or else Candy would spend more time there. Tan boys with armpit hair howl at her out the windows of their cars, rev loudly at red lights.

At the 7-Eleven, Candy and Maxine buy cigarettes with their Twizzlers and Cokes. The boy clerk behind the counter likes Maxine and doesn’t care that she and Candy are underage.

They’re on the front steps of Aunt Vicki’s building. It’s a work shift for Ma and Aunt Vicki, but Philip was watching TV in his shorts like he was part of the upholstery. Then, out of the blue, Maxine called and told her to ride her bike over.

“Your friend,” Maxine says, lighting a Virginia Slim. “Sandstorm? Been askin after you.” She holds the flame out for Candy, who drags slowly, little suck-puffs until the fire takes. She expects to cough and is surprised when she doesn’t.

“You get your CB back?”
“Nope,” Maxine says. “Thanks to you. We listen in Jeff’s truck. He had to get a special kind of license and so he did and now he’s drivin all over the state for Brother Kane.”

Candy tries to flick ash like she has flicked it all her life. “I thought you were forbidden?”

“Not like Mama ever knows where I am. And know what else? Once I get me a job I won’t be goin back to school in the fall. Me and Jeff gotta save.”

“You havin a baby, Maxine?”

Maxine takes a long, drawn-out sip on her Coke bottle as she considers the question. She finishes the bottle, then peers at Candy through the green glass like it’s a telescope. “No, Candy. I’m not having a baby. Not so in the dark I don’t know that.” She sets down the bottle firmly on the wooden step. “Get me out of this shit town first.”

“So what did Sandstorm say?”

“Guess she wanted to know where her tips had gone. Checks in from the diner every Saturday. She misses you.”

Back at home, with the window open in her room, nighttime brings new sounds. After the TV is clicked off at the end of The Waltons, Candy hears the scratch of slippers around the kitchen, then Ma’s whispers entwined with Philip’s in a way that Candy has come to know means he’ll still be there in the morning. She senses Ma stopping at the door to her room where Candy pretends to sleep as though she’s been asleep for hours. Some nights, back in Connecticut, Ma would sleep in Candy’s bed, Candy curling into her and feeling Ma’s muscles and breathing in the cigarette smoke from her nightgown. But that doesn’t happen anymore, and with Philip around it’s never just the two of them anyway, and the last couple of times when Candy tried to curl with Ma on the couch Ma told her that she was getting too big to be doing this.

 

The rigs, parked in columns, look more immense up close than when they pass on the highway. From one end, the trailers stretch all the way to the dark horizon and on their panels scream letters as tall as buildings. The white-lettered tires come up to Candy’s head and behind them, warm engines tick as they cool down. The cabs slumber like animals that roared moments before: the Kenworths have angry, spread-out cat faces; the Peterbilts have square, doglike snouts; and all over there is chrome, reflecting the pink and blue neon of the diner and giving the sense that it would shock Candy if she touched it.

And the license plates: rusted, grimy, larger versions of the ones she collects from the Honeycomb boxes. Here she finds plates representing the states she has never come close to seeing in real life, from the half of the map where everything is bigger and shaped like a rectangle. Wyoming, the silhouette of a man riding a bucking bronco. AMERICA’S DAIRYLAND. LAND OF ENCHANTMENT.

Men in denim spill out of the diner, laughing, finishing off drinks and jokes. Squinting to light cigarettes. They talk up the ladies who have been waiting patiently for their rides like they were the last time she was here. Candy slips into the space between two rigs. The one she stands alongside casts a triangular black shadow where she can crouch without being seen. Her eyes adjust well enough to make out the code lettering on the tanker trailer and the diamond-shaped placard indicating that whatever swishes around inside could scorch rocks.

On the mudflaps: Petunia Pig in a cowgirl outfit. And then, on the driver’s side door of a navy blue Kenworth cab, in fine gold script: Sandstorm.

 

When the men have left with the women, Candy pulls herself up onto the metal treaded stair and slots her fingers into the handle and tugs open the door. She has to jump back down off the step so it can swing open wide enough for her to climb in.

The inside of the cab is warm like the inside of a hat. Candy sits in the driver’s seat, padded with blankets for a boost. There is duct-tape on the corners where the vinyl is torn. The windshield is like a movie screen. Her hands on the steering wheel are tiny; there’s sweat on the grips. The CB squawks to life and sprays out vulgarities, calls for a sign, then falls back to a hush.

A curtain divides the front of the rig from the sleeping compartment in the back. Candy draws it open. In the blue light, she can see that Sandstorm has furnished it like a tiny apartment: the outline of a mattress on the floor, pillows, a portable TV with an antenna telescoped out. A stack of magazines. There is a mirror mounted on the rear inside wall and photos slotted in corners of the frame.

Candy slides onto the mattress and closes the curtain behind her. She rolls over and backs herself up against the far wall and brings up her knees and listens to the voices rolling around outside, the motors hopping to a start and pulling out. Horns quick-tooting see ya later. She’s left a crack in the curtain where she can see the roof of the diner and the black sky above it and is nestled very comfortably when the door to the cab swings open and Sandstorm lugs herself in and exhales.

The ignition turns and, with it, the earth and everything inside the cab rumbles. Candy feels the vibrations beneath her legs. Sandstorm eases out, the truck like a lion awakening and stretching. Sandstorm needs both arms to turn the wheel around just to get the rig onto the service road and then tugs at the rope-horn a couple times and waves and hollers out at the people left in the lot. Then it’s a wait for an opening and a tricky, slow merge and the engine flattens to a murmur.

The only parts of Sandstorm that Candy can see are her baseball cap and her flannel sleeve, the only sound she hears an occasional clearing of the throat, else when a sass blasts over the CB and Sandstorm chuckles but doesn’t pick up the mic. Every so often, the red taillights of a car float past in the left lane. Candy’s legs begin to cramp, and she silently shifts into the position in which she’ll eventually fall asleep. Sandstorm whistles to herself to stay awake and it’s all Candy can do not to hum along.

The Amon Liner Poetry Award ON SEEING A BEE DRINK HIS NECTAR

Here I sit almost 25 years old,
never knowing how a bee drinks
its nectar til today, having followed one
from geranium petal to geranium petal,
leaning in close, seeing his tiny hands
grab each tiny flower, watching him
extend a shining, black cone
from the center of his face to lap up
the sweet stuff. It’s a dipping tongue,
apparently, which I was calling a
retractable nose, and butterflies
have one too, and I don’t know
how I made it this long never properly looking
at a bee! There should be entire grades
dedicated to this stuff and other grades
set aside for looking up at oak trees from underneath.
My ignorance of the world is oversized
like a shirt. It has sleeves that drag the ground
when I walk. My neighbor tells me
how a mother robin keeps her nest clean—
carrying the young birds’ waste in her
mouth and making deposits in the grass
somewhere. It’s true. My neighbor has watched
this happen, she says, and all at once I love her,
want to marry her impulsively, buy a big house
just for the porch, and spend the rest of our lives
uncovering the daily routines of moths,
listening to the sound spiders make
when they slurp liquefied guts, wondering
what chipmunks dream about, and if they kick
their legs in their sleep like a dog sometimes does.

NEW WORK IN NEW CHINA

Young Huli has pushed back the remnants of the Communist Party to Inner Mongolia. His tanks and yellow-shirted infantry have crushed the guerrillas that controlled the provinces below the Yangtze River and the remaining People’s Liberation Army along the Yellow River. He has declared himself emperor. His armies march across the provinces waving blue banners with yellow half-moons, the new symbol for China.  

To celebrate his victories, the young emperor builds a palace in his homeland of Tibet that borders the Gobi Desert, the remnants of the Great Wall stretching in the background. To fill it, he has chosen one virgin from every province to be his concubine. This, he explains to the Chinese people, signifies the country’s unification into greatness. And the girls, whom he will treat equally by going to bed with a different one every day of the month, represent his equal treatment of all the provinces. New China consists of thirty-one provinces, and he has declared that, in the months when there are only thirty days, he will not sleep with Manchuria.

In order to appease the growing demand for democracy—mostly among college students—the emperor has given his concubines certain powers. They will act as a sort of sexual senate. Each concubine will act as a representative to her respective province. They will be able to propose laws, suggest amendments, encourage pardons, and ask the emperor for consideration as a judge or military commander, all on their scheduled nights when the emperor sleeps with them. The college students remain unsatisfied, but the emperor understands that one cannot force-feed democracy. Such sudden freedoms might burst the nation’s stomach.

He believes his biggest problem will be keeping his palace court in order. Reforms bring about unforeseen obstacles: how will the emperor maintain control of his sexual senate? He decides to reinstate an old tradition used by the emperors of past dynasties: the recruiting and training of gong-gongs. A gong-gong is a manservant of the emperor and the emperor’s concubines who, on appointment, is made a eunuch. The young emperor has read Romance of the Three Kingdoms and Dreams of Red Mansion, and he understands that in China’s past, even when eunuchs and concubines were not given any official power, public intrigue reached such levels that they were sometimes able to usurp the throne. He must pick his servants carefully. 

One of the recent appointees is a man named Zhang Mei, a cook he met in Beijing during his siege of the city. The man is unusually loyal and trusting, but the emperor did not waive the cutting of the testicles. “Traditions,” he said to Zhang Mei, who was kneeling before him. The emperor must strictly maintain a tradition as important and as commonly known as the requirements to become a gong-gong.

Zhang Mei is not from the city. He was born in the countryside, and snuck into Beijing when he was twenty using a fake birth certificate. He did not know it was the new emperor Huli who was enjoying his hand-drawn noodles during the Siege of Beijing, always sitting on that patch of dirt next to his concession stand. The man’s face looked more like a beggar’s—covered with hair, his teeth crooked, his nose long like an opium addict’s pipe. He sat there and ate and steam came out of his mouth, and he laughed with his entire body when his soldiers said something funny. Zhang thought he was an infantryman, or perhaps a tank commander. On one such occasion, Zhang was standing in front of the strange man, pouring him flour broth, when he saw a stray shrapnel flying toward them. He knocked the hot shrapnel away with his wok. In the process, he spilled the steaming broth on the soldiers. He was almost afraid the hairy man would lob a grenade at his concession stand. Instead the man thanked him and brought him to Tibet, then made him a eunuch. Zhang Mei considers his current station in New China to be most fortunate.

He has a cousin stuck in the countryside. This cousin, Pei Pei, has recently married his village sweetheart, and their dream is to live in Beijing or Shanghai. Zhang wants to help them. He calls his cousin using his government-issued phone, and urges him to come to Tibet and work for the emperor.

“You won’t have to worry about money anymore,” Zhang says in his new high-pitched voice. “Everyone will have to bow to you. I’ll put in a good word with the emperor.”

At first Pei Pei thinks that the change in his cousin’s voice is due to the dry climate of the Gobi Desert. Then he realizes that it is because his cousin is not a man anymore. Not having testicles, Pei Pei realizes, affects you beyond your penis not hardening. Not only is his cousin’s voice not a man’s anymore, it is not anything. Not exactly a woman’s voice. Not exactly a boy’s squealing. It is bass-less, like talking while being choked.

“Give me a few weeks, Zhang,” he says. “Let me think about it.”

“What’s there to think?” Zhang says.

“Well, it’s that Song and I want children.”

“You can still have children. First put the bun in the furnace, then take the position.”

“Will the emperor wait that long?”

“What do you mean?” Zhang says. “How hard can it be?”

“Well, we want more than one child. Do you think the emperor can wait a year or two?”

“I don’t think so. He has already made many amendments regarding the appointment of gong-gongs. He might start issuing an examination for it. This is an opportunity few people get. Think it over, Pei.”

Pei Pei hangs up the phone. It is October and winter comes early in the countryside. He is sitting cross-legged in his mud shack, huddling on his stone bed in his sheepskin coat, smelling of urine. He turns around and looks at Song. She is squatting by the furnace, fanning the flames so she can begin to prepare dinner. She turns around, smiles, and says, “It’s cold tonight. Dinner shouldn’t be ready for a while.” What will happen if they have children? He can see them, noses running, sitting around the fire with Song, waiting for their dinner, trails of flame flickering onto their faces. She deserves better than this, he thinks.

The next morning Pei Pei goes to his parents’ house to borrow some flour and hears his father talking on the phone. His father turns and smiles when he sees him coming in, and his mother gives him a large sack of flour, more than twice what she normally gives him.

“Brother Zhang tells me he can make you into a gong-gong,” his father says. “Congratulations. Everyone here is very happy for you. Your mother and I are proud.”

“What do you mean ‘everyone’?” Pei Pei asks.

“Your brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, everyone in the village,” his mother says. “Do you expect us to keep news as good as this to ourselves?”

Pei Pei drops the sack of flour on the floor and covers his face. He sits down at his parents’ table and becomes silent. He rests his elbows on his knees, his face still in his hands.

His father sits down next to him and pats his head. “You are young, Pei Pei,” his father says. “I know you are at an age when your genitalia are very important to you. But it would be irresponsible of you not to take this position. You are the oldest in the family, and you have responsibilities. Brother Zhang tells me the emperor has allowed you to have children. You still have time to help Song conceive. As your father, and as an old man, I can tell you that genitalia are not as important in the future as you think. You have nothing to worry about. You will still be normal. Better than normal, in fact. Everyone will respect you.”

Pei Pei looks up. His face is covered with flour, white as death. He sniffles, and then sneezes. Liquid drips out of his nose and eyes and streaks through the flour like rivers.

“Let me get you a towel,” his mother says. She takes a dirty towel from the kitchen and wipes off his face.

He leaves his parents’ house and walks home, the sack swung over his shoulder. On the way back, he notices the new way people look at him. They nod when he passes them, and smile, showing him teeth. He passes his old teacher. “Finally making something of yourself,” the woman says. Pei Pei walks faster. He looks down and tries to hide his face, and when he gets home, he locks the door and barricades it with the sack.

“What’s wrong?” Song says.

“You don’t know? You haven’t heard the news?”

“No,” she says. “I’ve been cooking lunch.” She stops fanning the furnace. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says, calming down. “Everything is where it should be.”

The emperor Huli knows that gong-gongs serve as much as they are served. He understands that those indentured to the powerful are also powerful themselves, that this is the way it has always been in imperial China. Because Zhang saved his life, the emperor has made him the head of his band of personal eunuchs. The emperor has read of a trend in Romance of the Three Kingdoms where eunuchs given to concubines aren’t used as servants at all, but are played with like pets. The concubines dress them in female clothing, and have them perform tricks and feed them treats. The emperor is careful not to put Zhang into such a humiliating situation. He respects Zhang’s opinions, and has given him a large mansion within the palace walls. 

Inside his mansion, Zhang claps his hands twice. Two chambermaids enter the room carrying his cell phone and a pot of steaming water. They take off his clothes and scrub his body. He lifts the phone to his ear and calls his cousin.

“Just come for a visit,” he tells Pei. “Take a look at how extravagantly I am living.”

“Give me some more time,” Pei Pei says.

“I can’t give you any more time,” Zhang says. He stares at the chambermaids wiping off his body. They are wearing traditional Chinese dresses, pink with colorful jasmine designs, sashes folded over at the waist and then buckled with a black belt. He touches one of the girls’ hair, and then reaches into her dress and feels her breast. He tries to remember what he felt like before he became a eunuch. He regrets not being able to do anything with her, but he manages to convince himself that he is in a better circumstance, give or take.

“If you’re even considering this position,” he says, “you need to come for a visit.” The chambermaids put his clothes back on. “The emperor, and the concubine you’re to be serving, want to see you. I can’t convince them just by running my mouth.”

He hangs up. He puts on his title hat, a black top hat with a topaz in the middle and two long rabbit-like ears protruding from the side, and opens the door. He swings his hand carelessly at the chambermaids and walks through the courtyard with his hands tucked behind his back. He passes peach trees and fountains and he forgets that it’s winter and that he’s in a desert. The entire courtyard is a greenhouse, under gigantic panels of glass.

He makes his way into the main palace. He walks past rolls of identical rooms until he comes to a red door with Lady Jing inscribed on it. Lady Jing is the newest concubine in the palace. The young emperor has recently returned from Henan province where he picked the sixteen-year-old Lady Jing from one of the poorest villages in the country. He told the people of Henan that he picked Lady Jing “because of her beauty, grace, and excellent acumen for law and justice.” 

The chambermaids lead Zhang into the interior, where the young girl is brushing her hair. Immediately she turns around and smiles.

“I’ve been waiting for you all night!” she says.

“I had to make a call,” Zhang says.

She stops brushing her hair, walks over to where Zhang is sitting, and starts playing with his title hat, flicking the rabbit ears back and forth. “There isn’t one thing to do in this forsaken place!” she says. “Not one man between fourteen and forty.” She sighs. She is kneeling on the floor next to where Zhang is sitting, looking up at him as if she were his daughter. “So where are you taking me tonight?”

“Nowhere,” Zhang says. “I’m here to tell you that the emperor’s going to want you tonight.”

“Oh, curse the emperor! He’s so hairy, and he stinks. Tell me again about this cousin Pei of yours. Tell me again how handsome he is.”

Zhang looks down at the girl sitting at his feet, and wonders how she is ever supposed to represent an entire province. How could she ever symbolize fifty million people? She is naïve and immature, just like everyone else in Henan. Maybe that’s it, he thinks, maybe it takes someone who is naïve to represent those who are also naïve.

“I can’t wait until he comes,” she continues. “These maids are so boring! They look at you as if you had knives for eyes. I don’t have any friends here.” She looks down.

“What about the other concubines?” Zhang says. “Lady Xiu lives down the hall. Have you tried making her acquaintance yet?”

The girl shakes her head. “I spoke to her once,” she says. “She’s very secretive. Why are all educated people so secretive?  Sometimes she goes out in the middle of the night.”

Lady Xiu is the only concubine who has a college degree. At twenty-four, she is also the oldest. She represents Beijing, which the emperor considers a province all to itself. He met her after his siege of the city, when he declared himself emperor and told the Chinese people about his plans for the sexual senate. He saw her at a suburb along the outskirts of the city, where he ordered the town to line up its available girls so he could choose. Right away he knew he wanted Xiu. She wasn’t the most beautiful, but she was the most adamant, speaking confidently and clinging to his arm.

“Nobody knows what she does,” Lady Jing continues. “The maids think she has a lover.”

“She better hope the emperor doesn’t find out.” Zhang walks to the door.

“At least she has something to be excited about. I have nothing.”

“I’ll see to it that my cousin is here within the month,” Zhang says, passing through the silk veil.

As he walks back through the palace halls and into the courtyard, he thinks about Pei Pei. “I am doing him a favor,” he tells himself. But he doesn’t recognize his own voice anymore. “I am fortunate,” he says. “Millions of people would love to be in my position.” He walks in small, mincing steps—the only way he is able to walk after the operation. He feels useless whenever he walks. “Anyway I can’t take it back now.” The only thing he can improve now is his status in the palace. First he must gain the emperor’s full confidence, then surround the emperor with his own allies. If his power continues to grow, he will soon have enough people around him to do anything he wants, perhaps overthrow the emperor, and his traditions. Do to him what he has done to me. Smiling, he opens the door to his room, and claps his hands twice.

“You have to go,” Pei Pei’s father says. “Zhang tells us it’s an order from the emperor. If you don’t go they can have us beheaded.”

“Please don’t tell Song,” Pei Pei says. “I told her that I might be going to the city. She thinks I have a job prospect.”

“You are thinking about this situation the wrong way,” his father says. “Song will be proud to learn that her husband has achieved a high rank.”

His mother nods. “There are many paths that lead to a girl’s heart,” she says.

“Just don’t say a word,” Pei Pei says again, and shuts the door.

When he gets home, he sees fabric lying around the floor and on the bed and on top of the furnace. Song has an old magazine on her lap and has needles in her mouth.

“What’s all this?” Pei Pei asks.

“I went to the store today,” she says. “You have to look good for the interview. Come and look at this magazine. Tell me which shirt you want.”

“It’s not glamorous,” Pei Pei says. “I’ll just be working for a bicycle route.”

If you get it,” she corrects him.

“How did you get money for these things?”

“I’ve been saving up the allowances you gave me,” she says. “And I borrowed the rest from my parents.”

“You shouldn’t have.” He walks over and takes the needle and half-sewn fabric out of her hands and puts them on top of the furnace. He puts his hands on her shoulders and moves them slowly down to her breasts and then down to her hips. He kisses her hair. Then he leans over and whispers into her ear, “Come to bed. You can do this in the morning.”

She shrugs him off. She reaches over his shoulder and grabs the needle and fabric. “Not tonight,” she says. “We have more important things to think about.”

He stops touching her. As he walks to the bed, he mumbles, “What’s more important than a woman’s duty to her husband?” He snuggles onto the hard bed and covers his face with his blanket.

“Pei Pei,” Song says, “you shouldn’t act like this. We can do it any time you want. Right now there are more important things. You have to think about your duties as well. A man needs to take care of his family.”

He doesn’t lift the covers. He whispers, and this time soft enough so she can’t hear, “What family?”

The imperial palace is surrounded by three rings of walls. A shallow moat surrounds the outer wall. Poorer citizens use its waters to wash their clothes. Three drawbridges, each guarded by a pair of tanks, connect the city to the palace. The emperor understands that the moat and walls are not of any practical use. Rather, they are a symbol of power, rooted in tradition, something to make the Chinese people believe that he has obtained the Mandate of Heaven. 

“I’ve never once seen those drawbridges up before,” Zhang says to Pei Pei. They are sitting in his limo. Crowds of people swarm the car, holding signs. They are yelling profanities, demanding change. The driver gets out, shoves his way over to the tanks, and then maneuvers back to the car. A tank comes over and clears a path. They follow it through the outermost wall.

“Who are those people?” Pei Pei asks.

“Young reformers,” Zhang says. “They’ve been protesting since the palace was built. Don’t mind them. The emperor is thinking about cleaning them out.”

“What do they want?”

“Democracy mostly. They’re not satisfied with the concubine system. They don’t see that the concubine system is democracy. Instead of asking for more, they should embrace what they have, and make grievances to their provincial concubine.”

“Would that give them what they want?” Pei Pei asks.

“Not if they want the impossible,” Zhang says.

They pass through the outer rings and enter the palace courtyard. Winter turns to spring. Pei Pei starts seeing everything as if through a curtain of green silk. Willows and peach trees fill the yard. Women wearing traditional Chinese dresses walk past them holding umbrellas. Pink and orange petals fall from the dome.

They drive up to Zhang’s mansion. His chambermaids stand by the door to greet them. A girl takes Zhang’s hand and the other one carries Pei Pei’s bag.

“You’ve arrived just when the emperor has departed for the outskirts of Inner Mongolia,” Zhang explains. “The emperor is serving double-duty on this trip, both to check up on the situation of his forces at the front and also to find an Inner Mongolian concubine.”

“What do I do now?” Pei Pei asks, looking around Zhang’s mansion. Antiques litter the room beneath giant fans. Unraveled paintings and coiled calligraphy cover the walls. Large decorated vases and tangled ginseng roots sit in the corners.

“Don’t worry,” Zhang says. “There are still other people to see. But first we have to get you out of those clothes.”

Pei Pei looks down at the shirt Song has made him: a cleverly designed shirt with alternating strips of blue and yellow fabric to make it look like a striped sweater. He thinks about the time it took Song to make it, the time wasted, the time he could have helped her conceive. This shirt might have cost me a son, he thinks. And then he blames himself. If he hadn’t been such a coward she wouldn’t have wasted that time on something so useless.

That entire night, he can’t sleep for thinking about Song. Around two in the morning a chambermaid walks in and sees his naked body. Pei Pei quickly covers himself. “Tea?” the girl asks, and he suspects she might have forgotten someone was in the guest room. “No, thank you,” he says, and she leaves, smiling coyly. He lies back down, feeling pleased that he had such an effect. It’s obvious that she hasn’t seen a real man for months. If he becomes a eunuch, he will no longer have this effect on any woman. No amount of handsomeness or cleverness can save a man who doesn’t have it where it counts.

“When you see Lady Jing,” Zhang says, “immediately go to your knees and kowtow three times. Also, always stand a meter or more away, and don’t ever touch her. Understand?”

Pei Pei nods. Zhang knocks on the red door, and the chambermaid opens it, taking his hand. Pei Pei follows them inside, almost tripping on his robe, which swings from side to side, trailing the ground. When they pass a silk veil Pei Pei kneels and starts kowtowing.

“Is this him?” Lady Jing asks. “Stand up. Please, stand up.”

Pei Pei gets up, looks at the girl’s face for a second, and then looks down again, his chin touching his neck. The girl is beautiful. She smells of bananas and lavender. She wears a large floppy headdress with flickering rubies and sapphires.

“I’d like to be alone with him,” she says. She waves her hands and Zhang and the chambermaids exit through the silk veil.

She bounces next to Pei Pei and takes his arm. They sit on the bed for a few minutes not saying anything. Then the girl grabs a bunch of letters off her table and flips through them carelessly.

“Do you know anything about laws?” she asks.

Pei Pei shakes his head.

“Can you read?” 

He nods.

“I’ve been getting these letters incessantly,” she says, handing him one. “Read it to me.”

He flips it open. “I’m not a very good reader,” Pei Pei confesses. “I stopped going to school when I was fifteen.”

“You have a beautiful voice. The emperor reads these letters to me, but he has a thick accent. I fall asleep before he finishes. Go on, read it to me.”

Pei Pei holds the letter over the light and squints to make out the handwriting. “Dear Lady Jing,” he reads, “we hope you are happy in your new home in Tibet. We wish you a thousand smiles. Our school is located in Xinchun Village. We haven’t had a teacher for a while now. Our last teacher, Mr. Bai, became a gong-gong. We know that he is needed elsewhere, that by serving the emperor, he is also serving us. 

“We understand that the emperor can’t afford to send great men, those who graduated from the universities, to come and teach a peasant village. But if someone who is literate can be sent over, we would be grateful. We, the parents, donated our savings and hired a man from the city to help us write our words down in—”

“You can stop now.” She yawns. “I’m going to fall asleep. Maybe it wasn’t the emperor’s accent that made the letters boring.”

“There’s more,” Pei Pei says.

“Never mind,” the girl says. “Come here and sit next to me. Zhang tells me you have a wife. Is she pretty? Do you have a picture? Has she given you any children yet?”

Pei Pei puts the letter back on the girl’s desk and sits down next to her. He talks, but doesn’t know what he’s saying. He describes what Song looks like, but he can no longer picture her in his head. Children? He doesn’t even know if he wants children anymore. How many children does a man need anyway? How many children can the world support? The girl listens with enthusiasm. She likes him. She’ll treat his family well here. Song will not need to worry anymore. He will not need to worry anymore.

Over the next few days, Pei Pei begins to accept his fate. He spends a great deal of time with Lady Jing, learning the trade. In the afternoon, he accompanies her to the Discussion Room where all the concubines meet with their provincial lobbyists. Lady Jing finds these events boring and always falls asleep. “When you officially become my gong-gong,” she says to Pei Pei, “I can stay at home and you can take my place.” 

There are very few concubines who attend these meetings, and the ones who do tend to be indifferent. Their gong-gongs speak with the lobbyists for them. Having been to only a few of these meetings, Pei Pei has already noticed the grin on their faces when the lobbyists hand them envelopes, which he suspects are stuffed with money. When he becomes a gong-gong, Pei Pei thinks, he will not be so easily corrupted. He will act on behalf of the people and use his position for the benefit of New China.

The only concubine who seems enthusiastic at these meetings is Lady Xiu of Beijing. Her gong-gong is never present. She argues with the lobbyists in a refined manner. Instead of allocating money to the big businesses, she distributes the money to schools and orphanages. She has also started a program that helps underprivileged young people in the countryside find jobs in the city. The lobbyists hate her. Watching her argue, Pei Pei finds her a remarkable woman. He would like to join her cause as soon as he comes to power. 

A few hours before a meeting, Lady Jing complains of a headache, and tells Pei Pei to attend in her place. During the meeting, the Henan lobbyists talk amongst themselves, seeing that Pei Pei is not officially anything yet, and hand him envelopes, telling him to deliver them to Lady Jing. After the meeting, taking advantage of Lady Jing’s absence, Pei Pei walks over to Lady Xiu and introduces himself.

“I admire what you’re doing,” he says. “New China needs more concubines like you.”

Lady Xiu looks him up and down, and Pei Pei realizes that he has forgotten his place, that he is not officially anything yet. He kneels and begins to kowtow. 

“You still have your testicles?” she asks.

Pei Pei nods. He looks up and sees that she is smiling. Her eyes are surprisingly gentle. 

She leans in. “Let me give you some advice,” she whispers. “Keep your testicles. Leave this place.”

“What does the Lady mean?” he asks.

“Come to my chambers and I’ll explain.”

He follows her down the palace hallway and into her private chambers. Her maids stand guard by the door. Inside, the room is almost identical to Lady Jing’s room. The bed, desk, chairs, lamp, and vases are all placed in the same locations. Stacks of books and papers litter the floor. On her desk is a large typewriter with a half-written letter inside. 

She sits down and puts on a pair of spectacles. “The emperor doesn’t allow us to have televisions or computers,” she says, typing the letter. “I had to have my chambermaids steal this typewriter from outside the palace walls.”

He looks around and realizes that something is missing. “Why doesn’t the Lady have a gong-gong?” he asks.

“He sleeps in his room all day. It’s what I tell him to do. You can never trust eunuchs. They’re always out for themselves. Useless in more than one way.”

Pei Pei keeps quiet. With her spectacles on, Lady Xiu doesn’t look like a concubine at all; she looks like a young girl in a pretty dress, like a college student hard at work.

“You are from the countryside?” she asks.

“I am,” he says. He feels almost ashamed.

She laughs. “You walk in giant steps, like you’re standing in a sorghum field.”

He looks down. “Is that why Lady Xiu thinks I am not fit to become a gong-gong?”

She slides over and takes his hand. “No one is fit to become a gong-gong,” she says. “Why would you want to give up what you have for this? Some of us are here not because we want to be, but because we have to.”

“My village is poor,” he says. “We have no food. My family is counting on me.”

“Your family needs you to be where you are.”

Pei Pei nods, and then looks down. “Lady Jing will be wondering why I’m not back yet.”

Lady Xiu smiles. She leans in and kisses him on the cheek.

Busy commanding his armies in Mongolia, the emperor has left Zhang in charge of the palace. Before he left, he told Zhang to be especially weary of Lady Xiu. The emperor complained that she had been more interested in politics than in sex during her nights with him. Zhang told the emperor that he was suspicious of her himself. One night, while taking a walk on the outermost walls, he saw her talking with some strange men. She was disguised, but dropped her hood for a moment and Zhang could tell she was a concubine. Her headdress also indicated that she was from Beijing. “If anything else of the slightest suspicion occurs,” the emperor said to Zhang, “do not hesitate to take action.”

Zhang is pleased that the emperor has given him such powers. He wants to take full advantage of them, and appoint Pei Pei before the emperor returns. Secretly, Zhang calls Pei Pei’s parents. He tells them to pack their bags and prepare to leave for Tibet. He also tells them to inform Song that her husband will become a high official. Pei Pei has been in Tibet for a week now, and Zhang suspects that he is beginning to get used to the daily baths, meaty meals, and soft beds of palace life.

“It’s time to set a date for the operation,” he says. “I’ve spoken to the surgeons. How does next Tuesday sound?”

“Can’t we wait until the emperor returns?” Pei Pei asks.

“The emperor has already accepted you,” Zhang says. “Anyway, it’s better to have the operation before he arrives, in case for some reason he really doesn’t want you.”

Pei Pei nods. To try and relieve some of his anxieties, Zhang takes him to the room where he is to have the operation. The room, with its stone walls and small windows, reminds Pei Pei of a dungeon. A wooden bed is located at the center, leather straps hanging off the sides. The surgeons who greet them don’t look like doctors at all. They are all eunuchs, dressed in yellow and red half-moon jerseys, with strange grins on their faces.

The night before the operation, it snows. Overhead, a sheet of white covers the green panels, barely allowing light to escape through. At noon, the courtyard already has its streetlamps turned on. Pei Pei sits on the steps outside of Zhang’s mansion, thinking about tomorrow. He turns around and looks through the window at Zhang, who is laughing and talking on his cell phone. That is what I will become, Pei Pei thinks. He imagines Zhang speaking in his high voice. “I am Zhang Mei,” he tries to mimic, but he can’t imagine his own voice ever changing into that.

Zhang opens the window. “Your parents want to talk to you!”

Pei Pei gets up and walks into the mansion. “Here he comes,” Zhang says, and hands him the phone.

“We’re so happy you have made your decision,” Pei Pei’s mother says. 

“Congratulations!” his father says. “But you have to speak with Song. She is hysterical.”

Pei Pei looks at Zhang, who smiles back. He carries the phone outside and takes a seat on the steps again.

No one is on the other side of the line anymore. He hears a lot of noise in the background. His parents are having a party. Among the drunken shouts, he hears someone sobbing. 

He has never heard Song’s voice through a receiver, and he is surprised that he even recognizes it.

“Is this what you want?” she says. 

He doesn’t say anything.

“How could I have known you were unsatisfied with me? You don’t yell at me. You don’t hit me. You tell me I’m a good wife. How could I have known?”

Suddenly everything becomes clear. His parents must have tricked her. He can see their faces. They stare at the fabric and needles and magazines lying around Song’s room. “Look at all the stuff you buy,” they say. “It’s no wonder he feels so much pressure. You’re a spendthrift.” He can see them going to the furnace and looking through the pot of rice and the stew cooking on top. They take a ladle and have a sip of the stew. Their faces turn sour. “And how can he eat this every day?” they say. “It’s really no wonder.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Pei Pei says. “I’m coming home.”

“We used to be so happy,” Song says. “I remember the summertimes when we used to find spots in the wheat fields and we’d hide ourselves from the other workers. I remember the times when we were kids, when you sneaked up to my window and took me to the watermelon fields. We pretended we were husband and wife and the watermelon halves were bowls of rice. You told me you wanted three sons to help you in the fields, and you promised me a daughter.”

He can hear her stifled tears. Sitting on the steps, he puts his head in his hands and rubs his face. He looks up at the green panels of glass where the sky is supposed to be and suddenly everything around the courtyard seems dark. Petals fall on his legs and shoulders and face, but because of the layer of snow covering the panels, the petals lose their color, and look more like flakes of charcoal on his skin.

The snow falls heavier and the palace grows darker. Later that evening, Zhang’s spies follow Lady Xiu as she makes her way through the three walls and past the moat. She’s wearing a black sweater with a black hood. They see her conferring with several people outside the palace and then giving them a letter. Immediately Zhang’s men try to arrest her. The men around her retaliate against the spies, one of whom is severely wounded. The guards sound the alarm, and because of the flatness of the desert and the footprints on the snow, Lady Xiu and her accomplices are easily captured. 

Upon reading the letter, Zhang determines that Lady Xiu has been part of the rebellion all along. She has coordinated plans with the college students to take advantage of the emperor’s absence and conspired to storm the palace. In order to demonstrate that treason will not be tolerated, Zhang has decided on the immediate execution of the former Lady. 

Tuesday morning, as the snow outside accumulates to over thirty centimeters—a Tibetan record—Zhang stands on top of the innermost palace wall and looks upon the execution. The greenhouse is still dark from the accumulated snow, but the heavy-duty lamps have been turned on and the courtyard looks as if the sun is out. He feels that Lady Xiu’s execution is happening at a most opportune time. Pei Pei stands next to him, wearing the striped shirt his wife made for him, his bags packed. He would have left this morning if it hadn’t been for the snow.

“What did she do?” Pei Pei asks.

“She was very dumb,” Zhang whispers. “If she wanted to overthrow the emperor, she should have waited. Gain his confidence in full, and then take action. What did she think she could have accomplished? The emperor still has his armies.”

On the square below, soldiers with ceremonial spears grab Lady Xiu by the arms and drag her through the petal-covered grass. They pull her onto a platform. Her hair is wild with a few jasmine petals stuck in it, hanging underneath her torn title hat. The two soldiers bring Lady Xiu to the far side of the platform and tie her to a pole. Below the platform, her chambermaids are also tied up. Next to them a fire burns the former Lady’s letters and typewriter. One of the soldiers underneath walks up to a chambermaid, takes out his pistol, and shoots her in the head. Then he walks up to the other one and shoots her in the same way.

“Your parents told me about Song’s disapproval,” Zhang says. “I understand that you are leaving for her sake. It’s very noble of you.”

The soldiers drop their spears and pick up bolt-action rifles. They march to the other side of the platform and look up at Zhang, waiting for a signal. Lady Xiu moves her head around. Strands of hair hide her forehead. Her head is hunched over, weighed down by the torn headdress. She tries to keep it up by pressing it against the pole, but it keeps falling down. Eventually she gives up and her head falls almost to her shoulders.

“After all, what is a man without a woman?” Zhang says. Once Pei Pei crosses over he will understand. He only needs a push in the right direction. He is still my cousin, Zhang thinks, someone who needs my help. “Except,” Zhang continues, “a better, more independent, and clearer-thinking man.”

“You should wait until the emperor comes back before you take any action,” Pei Pei says.

“Pei Pei,” Zhang says. “You misunderstand what New China is about. The emperor is not New China. His time is limited. We are its future.”

“Zhang, you can’t do this. She is a good woman. She cares about China.”

Zhang nods to the soldiers below. They count down from ten. On five, the soldiers shoulder their rifles. On two, they take aim. On one, Lady Xiu’s headdress falls to the ground and rolls to the other side of the platform, by the feet of the soldiers.

“Do you understand?” Zhang continues, his long rabbit ears quivering. “We are its future. We will be the ones in power once the emperor loses control. These concubines—they’re nothing. They’re puppets. It’s going to be men like us, eunuchs, the most intelligent and most ruthless and most loyal to each other, who will be at the top.”

Pei Pei feels dizzy, listening to Zhang’s voice. It slides into his ears like a rusted knife. He can see the future of New China: thousands of men in his likeness.

“Becoming a gong-gong,” Zhang says, “is the only path there is.”

Pei Pei sees children smiling and clapping their hands twice, sees men of his likeness taking care of them. New China doesn’t need more people; it needs to take care of what it already has. It doesn’t want him back in the countryside, creating more problems. The country folks watch him. They are counting on him. They chant his name and stare at him with awe. He walks near them, striding like someone in a sorghum field, but they don’t seem to recognize him anymore. As he approaches, they draw back. They ask him: Who are you?

The young emperor returns from Inner Mongolia triumphantly. His armies have now pushed back the Communists to upper Mongolia and are laying siege to Ulaanbaatar. It should be a matter of weeks before the communist leaders surrender. To celebrate the thorough defeat of his enemy, the emperor has decreed that he will double the number of concubines in his court. In order to represent the people of New China thoroughly, he will need two concubines for every province: just like how it is in America!

Some of his eunuchs, including Zhang, advise the emperor against having more concubines. While it’s true the incident with Lady Xiu has shaken the emperor, he believes that the quick and thorough actions of Zhang have proven the court can handle more. From now on, he will no longer accept any girl with a college education. Whereas gong-gongs must be intelligent, concubines serve only as a median between the emperor and the people. Any girl with a college education, the emperor reasons, has already separated herself from the general masses, and therefore cannot represent the people accurately. He will choose more girls like Lady Jing, who everyone in the court considers a model concubine.

In order to support these additional concubines, the emperor has to recruit additional gong-gongs. There will be a new entrance exam. It will look for intelligence above all else. College graduates are preferable. The emperor instructs his current line of eunuchs to begin development of this exam. Sitting high up on his throne, he claps his hands twice. His eunuchs walk in mincing steps, and stand hunched before him. He scans them one by one, nodding his head, inhaling and exhaling like a meditating Buddha. He takes pride in all of his gong-gongs, who consider their current station in New China to be most fortunate.

A SORT OF ART

They made a sort of music with their feet,
a seesaw slapping as they hit the ground
in time with undead, resurrected years—
the monochrome past of sepia suffering.
They made their music ring in children’s ears
all day and night with its staccato beat,
then made the children make another sound,
something like an orchestra for the king
with mami, papá, dios, retch, and wail
for notes. It quivered through the king’s rich heart.
Now they make another music with bones
crushed and sifted through screens, a whispered trill
that sounds like burning notes. A sort of art
of no remains. Not names. Not even stones.

The Robert Watson Literary Prize Poem MISS SAHAR LISTENS TO FAIRUZ SING “THE BEES’ PATH”

If you’re going to go,
if you’re going to scorch this heart
and leave a desert in your absence,
tell me now and I’ll follow the bees.

If you’re going to scorch this heart,
I’ll hem the horizon in solitude.
Tell me now and I’ll follow the bees
inside the anemones scarring the hillside.

I’ll hem the horizon in solitude,
the light lengthening, breaking
inside the anemones scarring the hillside.
I’ll spiral inside the dome of the sky.

The light lengthening, breaking,
this moment gathered around us
as I spiral inside the dome of the sky.
Spring is a ravishment forever dying dying dying.

This moment gathered around us is
honey and wild greens and the promise
of ravishment forever dying dying dying.
We’re just another love song, remembered or forgotten.

Honey and wild greens and the promise
of losing you in the desert of what happens next.
We’re just another love song, remembered or forgotten.
Will you stay until the anemones fold back into the land?

Will you stay until the anemones fold back into the land
or leave a desert in your absence?
Are we just another love song, remembered or forgotten?
Tell me now and I’ll follow the bees.

The Robert Watson Literary Prize Story THE CHAIR KICKERS’ TALE

There was once a bored and powerful king who proclaimed that any man who could tell a story without an end would be granted riches and glory. For weeks, no one dared attempt the task, but then a farm boy climbed the steps to the palace. He was introduced to the king, and right away he started into the story: “A farmer had a stockpile of corn. A locust came and took a grain of corn. Another locust came and took a grain of corn. Then another locust came and took a grain of corn. Then another locust came and took a grain of corn…” and on and on for eleven days, until finally the king grew tired and awarded the peasant a bag of gold and a spot on his royal military council. When war struck a few seasons later, the king sent the peasant to the front line to die, and the kingdom inherited his meager earnings.   

 

I. How It Begins

In the morning, Boss Cline carves day from air. The gatekeep of the Goldsboro Coliseum and Event Complex punches buttons and twists dials to gear up the supermouth cabled on high—five arrays of five jumbo speakers each.

And there are five of us from Event Prep. We huddle with crews from other departments as part of our usual routine, in which we squint our eyes against sleep and await the terrible thunderclap above, in which we slouch under steel-rafter sky as the third shift crew flies loose and weary (those scraps of the night who rub their sockets and drag their spent bodies from the white-green light where they’ve newly unbuilt a basketball court built the first shift previous).

And we envy these brothers as they pass from us oblivious. Then Boss Cline’s word cannons from speakers into the hollowed arena, and we wonder how it came to be that it’s 4:30 a.m. and we still got no coffee.

Boss Cline says: “Let Housekeeping re-clean the clean concrete floors but east to west this time, not north to south, and fill the walkbehinds with low-foam solution. Cloudy streaks are quite apparent from the view above, my little water-blind fish.

“And let Maintenance do something, anything worthwhile, but goddammit if I catch asses in chairs and eyes fixed on the TV, I’ll break every goddamn seat in this arena and give you an eternity of broken to fix.”

And Maintenance, our fearless and shadowy kin, sits in the break room and sips the last of that goddamned coffee while Boss Cline continues: “Let Event Prep set the stage and chairs to their normal standards, which is to say the best, though in half the time, as union techs will need the floor for a bit after it’s cleaned. Many thanks in advance to the hard workers of Event Prep for rising to the challenge.”

And then, an auspicious announcement: “Today, the hiring committee will stand with me in the sponsor suite to watch the work of your venerable crew leader Pops O’Donald. Yes, the rumors are true, we’re considering his promotion to Operations Manager.”

And we recite: Let Pops leave us in his blessed dust; let him have an office with a Chinese rug.

 

II. The Crew

Within the curved walls of the arena, our circular world of false-forward and false-forever, we become Event Prep, known also as the Chair Kickers.

We are Pops, Mr. C, Phil, Jeb, and Benny.

And all the years of service from Pops are thirty and two, which puts him three years from retirement. Pops suffers sleepless nights and blinks too often, and we know him as the waking dreamer, and also as Brazilian, though he’ll never remember that faraway world, his birth name, the language of the parents that couldn’t keep him.

So every day we recite: Let Pops sleep and dream of strange long agos.

And all the years of service from Mr. C are twenty and one. He worked on F-4 Phantoms that flew to Vietnam and views freedom as light that bends at walls. He continues to live and spend by cards, gin, and pussy, in that order, from Friday to Sunday.

So every day we recite: Let Mr. C have a longer weekend.

And all the years of service from Phil are nine. He runs a hip-hop label that can claim only Cham B. LaRone, who also happens to be his cousin, though we pretend not to know this. Phil graduated from the local university’s prestigious music production program.

So every day we recite: Let Phil’s credentials be honored.

And all the years of service from Jeb are seven. He has a history in oil fields, eastern Texas, sick Ma, dead Dad, then dead Ma. There also may have been a failed marriage, or a marriage that never was. The only book Jeb has read is the Holy Bible, and he writes in his notebook before and after the shift, and during breaks. Many call him queer, though soon Benny will inherit the name.

So every day we recite: Let Jeb walk with God, else he walk alone.

And all the years of service from Benny are less than one, as today is his first day. He’s come on part time with the hope of working his way up to full. When he told Phil that he’d failed too many classes and that his boyfriend of five years left him for a doctoral student, Phil didn’t call him a fuck-ass like some, but instead apologized for Benny’s current situation: “I should have warned you: this coliseum is steel, and we magnetic as fuck.”

 

III. Headway

As the Housekeepers re-clean the clean floors, we gather in front of the elephant door and await orders from our noble leader.

“Fucking ____,” Pops says. Fucking teeth, fucking wives, fucking winter, fucking June. And when Boss Cline mentions a possible promotion, Pops says, “Fucking carrots.”

“OpMan is yours,” says Phil. “You’ll have a desk by Monday. We better gaze upon your cherubim cheeks while we can.”

But those cheeks melt like wax when Pops frowns. “They’ll always dangle something.” He moves his shoulder out from under Phil’s hand. “I’d have eighty percent of my pension if I retired today. Eighty is plenty.”

Pops presses a red button, and the great-wide vinyl wall zips open to heavy wet spring.

“These years,” says Pops. “I have so goddamn many.”

And Jeb says, “The glory of young men is their strength, and the beauty of old men is the gray head.”

“Shut up you idiot.”

We file behind as Pops marches up the ramp to the loading dock. “We’ll gather equipment from the warehouse and then build the stage as the floor on the north end dries.”

We know our Pops will surely impress the hiring committee, no matter the time crunch. They have chosen to judge our chair set for the Globex Sales Convention, which calls for only a few thousand chairs and a mid-sized stage. Pops knows this stuff—it pumps through each of his throbbing organs.

After we leave our shift at night, we each eat dinner and watch our programs, and then most of us wrap blankets tight around our bodies and sleep infant-like the entire night through. But Pops—he closes his eyes and swims half-awake through boundless seas of green-padded chairs; he scales aluminum crags of stage all the way up to the stratosphere. Then his alarm clock sounds at 4 a.m., and he reports to the coliseum to tell us what he’s seen.

 

IV. Holding Pattern

After the stage is built, the clang of metal on metal begins to rattle from the rafters above us. The union riggers maneuver tools as they swing from our sky.

“Hold tight!” shouts a belay-man as he loosens some rope so his partner can climb higher. Across the floor, sound techs swarm our stage and shout coded commands between the uproar of amplified feedback. Two twenty-foot towers of speakers stand in each corner downstage.

“Fucking shit-Christ,” says Pops. “This ain’t Elton John.”

The Globex Convention has never before required special lighting and sound, much less union guys. Industry rules prohibit us from setting chairs or other equipment while they have the floor.

Pops lifts his radio to ask the airwaves how long we’ll have to wait. A long pause, and then only Gladys from Housekeeping responds: “Hell if we know. It’s your job to know.”

Pops blinks in time with the long hand of the clock. He works some figures on his clipboard. “If we start in half an hour, that’ll be three hours to doors. 3,000 chairs divided by three sections divided by 180 minutes. 171 minutes. Something like six chairs a minute with no breaks.”

“Possible,” says Mr. C. “We won’t have room for mistakes.”

And Jeb says, “Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.” And Pops curses Jeb and the Lord and the Lord’s mercy. We follow him to the break room to wait for our turn to take the floor.

It’s nearly lunchtime, though no one’s in the mood to eat. Instead, we gather around as Pops gives our first-timer, Benny, the Chair Talk: “With a standard event chair, you have the male and the female parts of the lock. I call the knob-tipped shaft the dick. The slender, ever-waiting hole is the pussy. You have the dick on the right side of the frame and the pussy on the left. So to help our inanimate lovers achieve carnal relations, we must lift the frame and ease the knob into the hole. Then we simply let go—the shaft slides into place, and our lovers remain in union till death do they part. God is a wise and horny bastard.

“Now, consider a damaged chair. Say a knob is bent a little to the left from rough handling by someone who tried to force an ill fit. When I get these poor little chairs, I have to wiggle and jam the dick into the pussy. It’s heartbreaking. You see?” Benny grimaces, and Pops shrugs.

Knowing we still got plenty of time to kill, we head to the break room, where Mr. C steps in and asks Pops to tell us again about The Sole Recorded Account of a Sighting of Boss Cline.

“When was it, Mr. C—ten years ago? It was one of those long days. I think we were babysitting a blood drive in the exhibit hall, just the two of us. We were reading the papers in the break room when in walks some crony in a suit and tie. Said his name was Luddy or something.

“Well, we’d been on our asses for a while and were thinking we’d been caught—maybe secret cameras. But this Luddy guy wasn’t concerned about our asses. He asked if we’d be willing to do a favor for Boss Cline, and of course we’re not idiots so we said we would. We followed him from the basement tile up to the carpet on the first floor and then to the first of several doors that required punch codes.

“So we walked through ten or so hallways, past all these code-locked rooms—and then there we were, standing at the double doors of Boss Cline’s office. They were solid cherry oak, those doors—I swear it—with intricate carvings of tropical flowers, and also these criss-cross lattices, like it was the entrance to an Arabian palace or something. Back me up, Mr. C.”

“That’s right,” Mr. C says, without looking away from the game on the TV.

“Well, Luddy walked us right through those doors, and I expected to find Jesus himself floating above a pool of sparkling water. In all my twenty-some years I had never seen this man whose voice I heard every morning. I felt like the goddamn Scarecrow who come to beg for brains.

“But here’s what was: this man—Boss Cline—had no motherfucking hair on his flesh. None. His skin looked soft and springy, like he was some inflated newborn. So Luddy introduced us, and Mr. C and me were all bumbling and curtsying before this giant, all-seeing infant. Boss Cline didn’t seem to care or even notice us. He just squinted and squinted and I thought maybe he couldn’t see or even hear, maybe he still thought he was alone in his office. But then he told Luddy to tell us to sing him a Christmas carol. So Luddy told us. Mr. C and I side-glanced. I think I even laughed a bit. Sure, the holidays were upon us and whatnot, but who’d guess that Boss Cline would want a couple of old goons to do a tone-deaf song and dance. What kind of entertainment is that? But this was no joke. Boss Cline squinted and squinted and waited in his baby skin, and Luddy crossed his arms, scowled, and motioned for us to begin. I looked to Mr. C and he looked to me. I said, ‘Jingle Bells?’ and Mr. C nodded and we sang the first few words of that holiday favorite before Boss Cline’s eyes flared open and beamed into us with an unnatural force that clenched our nuts to command we sing something more tender.

“Keep in mind we understood this truth without a word spoken. We just knew ‘Jingle Bells’ was finished and jumped right into the correct song—‘Silent Night’—and when our voices unified Boss Cline grinned and rubbed his smooth hand back and forth across his immaculate head, and Mr. C and I sang that carol low and pretty to the end, then three times more until Boss Cline said, ‘Good, that was nice,’ and we knew it was time to go. We were all confused and dream-walking as Luddy led us back through those carved doors and secret hallways, back to our chairs in the break room. He told us to take an extra thirty minutes for our services. Then he was gone. I wouldn’t believe it myself if Mr. C hadn’t been there.”

As usual, we ask Mr. C if it really went like that. “Sure, yes. Like that,” he says.

And then suddenly our radios beep to announce a caller. Boss Cline’s calf-leather voice graces our humble airwaves: “Pops. Come in, Pops.”

We turn down our volume while Pops turns up his.

“Go ahead.”

“May I ask why you’re not on the floor setting chairs with only three hours until show time?”

“It’s the union guys, sir. They haven’t left the floor.”

“You could have started half an hour ago. I made a deal with Harold since these changes came last minute. Didn’t you read the email this morning? You should always read your emails.”

“My apologies, Boss Cline,” says Pops. “I’ll have the floor ready by show time.”

“You have two hours.”

Pops checks his watch. “Pardon, but I think you mean two hours and forty-three minutes.”

A stretch of white noise, then, “I said two hours. You have to finish by the time the show pros arrive so they can do a full security assessment before doors open.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Give me a ten-four.”

“Ten-four, sir.”

Our leader latches his radio to his belt loop and rubs his overworked eyelids. He figures more quick math on his clipboard. We need to set about nine chairs per person per minute. “Impossible,” he mutters.

Phil grabs the clipboard from Pops’s limp hand and confirms the calculations. “We’ll do it,” he says.

 

V. The Chorus

This is when the important work begins, when we live up to our nickname—the Chair Kickers. Not everyone kicks, however—it’s a sensitive art handled by the more adept men—Pops, Mr. C, and Phil.

First, they spend a couple seconds positioning the starter chair so it’s perfectly parallel to the front of the stage. They always set from right to left and front to back, as so: drag, slide and lock, toe-tap the legs into perfect alignment—Skreeek! Kachung. Tungtungtung. At the end of a row they land one final kick at the outer frame of the last chair to shift their work into perfect alignment.

Simpler, but just as important, is the carrier’s job. One: bring folded chairs four at a time from rack to setter. Two: with three chairs balanced against one leg, beat green padding of one chair’s seat until it opens. Three: use one hand to feed chair to setter while using other hand to open another chair. Four: repeat steps one through three until rack is emptied.

And thus we gear as machine.

We split into teams of two, except for Pops, who handles the work of three people. Mr. C struggles with Benny and his cloddish technique.

“Gimme a chair, fool!” he shouts, but Benny only trips over a chair rack when he attempts to speed up. Still, they are quick enough.

And so it passes that after twenty-some minutes, we break into a steady sweat. Green upon green springs from our work, and to Boss Cline up above, it must seem as if we paint lines in fluid strokes.

We become the empty everything as the rhythmic clamor of the chairs washes clean our minds: Skreeek! Kachung. Tungtungtung.

Phil notices our problem after the first hour. Pops is always compulsively precise, but the air in the arena suddenly feels off-balance. Jeb and he are flying ahead, building rows even faster than Pops, so he takes a couple seconds to quadruple check the numbers. Jeb takes over when Phil sprints to the center section.

“I hate to say it, Pops, but we’re at least two racks short. I counted.”

Pops keeps kicking. Skreeek! Kachung. Tungtungtung.

“Do you want me to take care of it?” Phil asks.

Again Jeb speaks from afar: “If any provide not for his own, he is worse than an infidel.”

“Shut up you fatheaded sommabitch!” Pops shouts across the room, though we know he regrets his choice of words in light of Jeb’s recently dead mother. But the chairs—what of them? He counted those racks in the basement four times yesterday. He never miscounts, and certainly not four times.

Boss Cline, in his omniscience, finds just the right moment to radio down and ask Pops what the hell is going on.

Pops sighs and lowers his chair to the ground. He lifts his radio. “I’m sorry, sir. I must have miscounted the racks. I’m sending Phil for more.”

“Is that so?” says Boss Cline.

Phil lifts his own radio. “It was my fault, sir. I took two of the racks Pops had counted and used them for the flea market yesterday. I should have said something.”

“I see,” says Boss Cline. “As you were.”

“Ten-four,” says Phil. He clips the radio back to his belt and turns to meet the expected scowl of our leader.

“You didn’t take those chairs,” says Pops.

“No.”

“Why’d you lie?”

Phil shrugs. “I want you to get that Chinese rug.” He presses on. “The forklift won’t fit behind the stage at this point. I’ll have to roll the racks over by hand.”

Pops nods. “Go.”

 

VI. An Exception to the Rule

Phil opens the glass door and lets the lumpy wheels of the additional carts fall silent over soft linoleum. Two suit-men with gelled hair stop him before the hallway’s bend. “Are you Phil from Event Prep?”

“Maybe.”

“Boss Cline has requested your presence.”

“But these.” Phil motions toward the racks.

The suit-man with gray hair nods to the blond, who promptly pushes Phil aside and assumes his position between the racks. He starts around the bend in clumsy three-point maneuvers, but before Phil can help, the other suit-man has him by the arm and is pulling him toward the elevator.

“The name’s Lonny,” he says once they begin their ascent.

Phil accepts the handshake. “Lonny? You mean the Lonny?”

“Excuse me?”

“Nevermind, that was Luddy. Have I done something wrong?”

“I don’t know. Boss Cline doesn’t tell me anything.”

“Do you have a guess?”

“It’s useless to guess at Boss Cline’s intentions. Just this morning he told me to move two racks of chairs somewhere no one would find them.”

Phil gloves his hands with his pockets to soak up all the sweat.

Instead of taking him to a fifth-floor sponsor suite, Lonny steps out at the second floor. Phil follows him into a carpeted area, past phone-locked secretaries to a code-locked door.

He punches numbers and leads Phil through one hallway to another coded door, then through two more coded doors. Sooner than Phil expects, they reach the cherry oak doors of legend. Upon them: a carven lattice, but no ornate flowers.

Lonny knocks three times. A muffled voice grants them entrance. At this point, Phil nearly expects a man with a full head of hair to greet them from behind a modest executive desk—he knows Pops’s memories come in strange shapes, when they come at all.

Phil steps into the warm yellow light of the office. The walls are lined in bookcases and leather furniture, and before him, corralled by an expansive U-shaped desk, sits Boss Cline. And to Phil’s horror—the man is exactly as Pops described him: a newborn wrapped in a wool suit, squinting into all creation.

“Come, boy. Stand closer to me.”

The rounded cheeks; the chinless jawbone; the protruding, suckling upper lip of a babe. Phil clasps his trembling hands behind his back.

“Ease up—this is not the principal’s office,” says Boss Cline in his liquid baritone. “You’re here because you impress me.”

“I am?”

“My men have been watching you. You’re a smart man, Phil. You know how to play your surroundings. You know how to speak to people to make them feel at ease. You’re too good to work down on the concrete.” He says all this still squinting. “How would you feel about moving up to the carpet?”

“But Pops . . .” he says.

“Pops is a builder and a family guy. We all love him. He’s perfectly suited for what he does, and I’d be an idiot to move him elsewhere. Besides, he’s three years from retirement. He’s aged out.”

“So there’s no position? There are no board members?”

“I am all judges,” says Boss Cline. “I’ve seen his performance.”

Phil huffs and stands broad-chested before this almighty child-man. “I’m sorry, Boss Cline, but I can’t be the OpMan. I can’t take the job you shammed over Pops.”

“OpMan? No, you have it wrong.” Boss Cline lifts a pair of tweezers from a desk drawer and holds them idly between his thumb and forefinger. “I can hire practically any numbskull for that job, so long as they can answer calls and keep the labor in check. You’re more of a thinking man. I want to put you in a suit and tie. I want you to be an executive assistant, like Larry here, only you’ll be the number one guy, the one with all the secrets.”

Phil doesn’t answer right away. He watches as Boss Cline plucks imperceptible hairs from his forearm.

“Listen, Phil, I know you have loyalties. I know those men are your brothers. But at some point, the bigger cat has to catch bigger mice if he doesn’t want to starve. Don’t sacrifice your potential.”

Boss Cline pauses for a response that Phil doesn’t give, then continues. “You are the architect of your own reality.” He plucks. He smiles. “Look at my skin—it’s vernal and soft because I fight imperfection with my little dagger.” He slashes the tweezers across a tiny swath of air.

“But I like the freedom of part-time labor,” says Phil. “I manage a record label.”

“Don’t kid yourself.” Boss Cline drops the tweezers back into the drawer. He motions for Phil to take a seat in the leather armchair to the right of his desk. He punches something into his computer’s keyboard and turns the monitor around to show Phil.

It’s a high-definition video feed of the arena floor. He zooms in on Pops, whose sagging cheeks drip with sweat. Boss Cline lifts his radio. “Pops. Come in, Pops . . . I need you to have the chairs ready in the next ten minutes. The show pros are waiting in the locker room.”

Pops glances at his watch, and Phil does the same from the office on high. Another ten minutes shaved from the prep time. On screen, Pops lowers his radio and mouths several obscenities. He raises it again.

“Ten-four.”

Back down on the floor, the rest of us hear Pops shouting new orders. The team revs into a blue-streak rhythm. We will finish, it has never happened any other way. Benny and Mr. C sprint from rack to row; Jeb wastes no movement—he’s done impressive work to keep up without Phil. And Pops leads the way.

They inhale the same breath. Phil hears the song of chairs in the deepest canal of his ears: Skreeek-kachung-tungtungtung. Skreeek-kachung-tungtungtung.

“Tell me, Phil,” says Boss Cline, “is that what freedom looks like?”

Our hero fixes his eyes on his brothers at work. He can practically hear Jeb’s rally cry: They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and will not be faint! He watches as they whoop and holler and fly into their last few rows.

Boss Cline turns the screen away. “They will succeed. You know this. Pops always succeeds.”

He hands Phil a sheet of paper that lists the starting salary. Phil has never made half as much.

“Plus VIP access to every club in town,” says Boss Cline. “And a lifetime supply of coupons for free oil changes, among other perks.”

Phil stares at the paper in his hands.

“You need time to think. Get back to me before the weekend.”

Phil nods.

“Do you have any questions?”

Phil folds the paper and tucks it into his shirt pocket. “No.”

 

VII. Cooldown on the Catwalk

After our valiant and legendary set, we pile into the elevators for a ride up to the catwalk. Mr. C stays behind, since he is afraid of heights.

After Pops rehashes the tale of the crew’s feat, we press Phil to explain his secret absence.

“The suits wanted help moving boxes.”

We scoff.

Benny takes a few trembling steps onto the metal webbing. The rest of us walk fearlessly and watch the scurry of show pros some hundred feet below.

Boss Cline radios for Pops. We gather around in anticipation.

“Great job today, my faithful man. You really impressed the committee.”

“So I have an official interview?”

“I’ll let you know before the weekend.”

Pops lowers the walkie, then raises it again. “Ten-four.”

Phil turns to the railing as we congratulate Pops on this promising news.

“Hey Phil,” says Jeb. “Aren’t you for our man?”

Phil looks over his shoulder. “Yeah, of course. Great job today.” He turns back to the arena. The show pros have readied their stances at each entrance.

“Melancholy shithead,” says Pops. He walks up behind his friend and lands a jolly slap on his back. We all stand at the rail, even Benny, who has finally made it across the webbing.

A sugary jazz blasts over the speakers. Below, a few choice audience members trickle onto the floor, escorted by ushers to their front-row seats. Then the show pros pick up their radios simultaneously, lower them simultaneously, and widen their stances.

“Here come the crazies,” whispers Phil. We lean deep into the metal at our hips.

The head show pro raises both hands in alert to his coworkers. Mere seconds pass, and then the northeast and northwest entrances spew a chaotic mob of Globex sales trainees. They rush for the front row, and while the show pros corral some, more make it past. Several people unhook chairs and bring them closer to the stage. A woman shoves a man to the ground for the last front-row seat. The 3,000 chairs fill quickly. Several people are forced to stand.

The show pros reach a state of near control, and the unhooked chairs are returned to their rows.

A hypnotic contralto, like Boss Cline’s but dipped in corn syrup, booms over the speakers and cuts the raucous chatter of the crowd, “Test, test. Okay, everybody settle down.”

The room obediently falls silent. A man in a lustrous gold jacket enters stage left and walks to the center. “Wait a second. Who are we kidding?” He sweeps his palm out over the troops who would follow him anywhere. “Ladies and gentlemen of Globex, sales-gods-in-training, who’s ready to climb to the top?”

IF THERE WERE BEES

Lacey and Otto took to the coast and rented a motel room for the weekend, right on the water. Workers in white hazmat suits had descended upon their house, cutting holes into the walls because the bees had filled their home.

Lacey first saw the bees while pruning back the bougainvillea two weeks before: a small cluster near the kitchen window, a nest the size of her fist tucked up beneath the overhang. Otto told her they would be gone in three days.

“They do that. You can’t just kill them,” Otto said and leaned against the kitchen counter. The nighttime light in the house looked staged for a play—dramatic, expensive.

When Otto spoke, he touched his beard, pressed his index finger to his hidden jawline, a glass of wine in his other hand. He liked animal facts.

“In the spring there are bees. Three days and they move on. Everyone knows that,” he said and left the kitchen.

Lacey stood at the counter spiralizing summer squash and listening to the bees as they bounced against the kitchen window in the dark. She wanted Otto to lean his face into the back of her neck and speak so she could feel the heat of his breath. What she wanted him to say was, It’s okay. I’ll fix it.

Within a week, the small nest became a horde, and in two it was an invasion, the buzz like a chorus in the walls. The house seemed to pulsate, bee wings busy inside light fixtures on the ceilings, against candelabras affixed near the fireplace.

When the men came, they wandered through the house, writing down numbers and knocking on the hollow spaces of the walls, using a heat sensor to find the hive. One of the men told her, “They’ve been here for months. There are honeycombs in the walls. You’ll have to leave for a few days so we can take care of it.”

Lacey woke in the motel room hearing the noise in her sleep. She lay still and imagined the men in suits cutting human-sized holes in her dining room walls, stepping into them and scooping out the honeycomb as if there were rooms between her rooms, ones she hadn’t thought to fill with anything until now. She listened to the early sounds of the motel waking up—the clatter of silverware on the lanai below, an ice machine running. She rested her hands on her stomach at the space between her hip bones, an enclave.

It was the sort of motel that was nice because it was on the ocean and not nice because it was on the ocean, everything sick and wet with salt water, sun-bleached and painted over so it peeled. It sat on a wave break at Mussel Shoals, public beaches in either direction that in the summer were littered with children and Popsicle-colored umbrellas. But now, in early spring, there were only morning surfers like seals, and a thick marine layer socked in the coast.

Otto rolled over to face her. A few gray hairs had grown in near his temples and the cowlick at the crown of his skull. They made her want to climb inside him and offer up apologies from the inside out. His bright blue eyes were more clouded now. She’d stirred the silt.

A few days before the bees, she’d come home from the doctor’s office in a taxi, and he’d said, “You can’t unring a bell.”

Otto was hurt by her decision in ways she didn’t know he was able to be hurt. And still he took care of her: glass of
watered-down ginger ale and crackers on a plate with her painkillers. She slept in their bedroom, drops of blood like Rorschach tests on the white sheets, and he slept on the couch until their stay at the motel.

The line of light at the bottom of the blinds was gray and slim, waiting to be uncovered. She wove her boney knees between his warm legs and pressed her torso against his.

“Wake up,” she whispered and waited for him to say, touch this.

“Coffee,” he said instead.

She licked his neck, stubble against her tongue like concrete.

Otto got up from the bed, leaving Lacey naked on the starched sheets. He opened the blinds. The dull morning came in and made everything feel wet and cold, the lilac bedspread strange. Lacey decided that the brain must process pain in singular ways, that the absence of touch can hurt as much as a burn.

On the lanai, they ate sliced cantaloupe and Cheerios from paper bowls, drank coffee that tasted like tin. Otto read the newspaper while Lacey sifted through brochures she’d collected at the front desk, Xeroxed paper in pinks and greens: local history about a sinkhole that opened on the PCH in the ’70s, Italian restaurants in Carpentaria, shopping in Santa Barbara. One was made by the woman who worked the front desk, a handwritten list: 50 Ways to Spend Your Days. Xeroxed so many times the letters were faded in certain places.

She’d pressed it into Lacey’s hands. “I made it myself. Done almost all of them too. You know my husband and I used to come here for vacation.” She wore seashell earrings. Her hands were thick and tan.

“I bet he loves that you work here.”

“Only started after he died. Suppose he does though.”

Lacey was going to say that she was sorry, but she only stood there, her hands filled with colored papers.

“Let me know how far you two get,” the woman said, and then offered her a plate of frosted pink seahorse-shaped cookies.

Otto cut his already cut cantaloupe with a plastic fork and knife.

“Let’s try and do all of them,” Lacey said and pushed the list to him across the table.

“Learn a new language? Start a seashell collection? Please.”

“Walk on the beach. Drink a bottle of wine. Make love,” she said.

“This is silly,” he said, and went back to his newspaper and cantaloupe.

“No, Otto. This. Is silly.” She left the table, locked herself in the motel room and turned on Jenny Jones so no one could hear her cry into the lilac pillow case. She cried about the list and she cried about the bees and she cried about how far away people get, even, or especially, when they are in the same room.

It was hours before Otto came to check on her, but when he did he had the list in his hand, had crossed out all of the things they’d inadvertently accomplished, and held a bottle of wine. It was an olive branch, a gesture, the first one he’d made in weeks.

“Number thirty-one,” she said.

By three in the afternoon the marine layer was gone, as was their wine. A weak spring sun made the water on the rocks glow like they’d been painted, and the tide dropped so waves crashed rather than rolled on the deep green sea. Lacey followed Otto down the beach, walking in his footprints, tossing glittering shells into a champagne bucket. Small birds with razor-like beaks ate crabs from beneath the wet sand. Otto ate a pomegranate, spitting the seeds on the ground, his lips dyed burgundy.

“Find a sand dollar,” Lacey said, “number nineteen.” She rubbed wet sand from between its grooves, so thin she wanted to crush it. It was an urge she’d had since childhood: break something delicate, crush the mandolin cookies between her fingertips, smear the perfectly finished painting. She tossed the sand dollar in the bucket, hooked her arm around Otto’s, and buried her face in his shoulder to hide from the ocean wind.

A few yards ahead, a small lump sat on the beach, just out of reach of the water. A bird. It moved its head left and right but as they got closer it didn’t leave. Lacey could see the rise and fall of its feathers, its breathing rapid, like it was confused how it ended up on a cold beach in California.

“It’s a loon,” Otto said.

“No. Those don’t live here,” she said.

“It is, look at its red eyes.”

“The feathers, though. They’re sad.”

Otto said, “They’re gray. They turn gray when they fly south. And they don’t make noises. And their bones are solid so they can dive for fish. And their legs aren’t strong enough to hold them so they never leave the water.” Otto was pressing his index finger into his beard. “It’s beached.”

“It’s cute. Kind of,” she said.

“It’s beached,” he repeated.

“It’s fine. It’s a bird.”

“We can’t just leave it. It’ll die,” Otto said, hands on his hips and eyes on the ground.

The word bounced around inside the empty parts of Lacey like the bees stuck between their bedroom walls.

“Okay,” she said, “take off your jacket.”

The bees were the first thing to come along that Lacey and Otto had to talk about, a problem they could wrap themselves around, a part of the new world they were living in. She was even thankful for the bees because of this.

Otto laid his jacket in the sand next to the beached loon. “Scoop it up and I’ll wrap it,” he said.

She hesitated, afraid it would bite her or fall apart or that she’d want to crush it between her hands.

“You can do it.”

Her hands shook, vein-lined and white. She slid them under the downy feathers of the loon, felt it twitch and try to wriggle from her grasp. She pressed her fingers through the layers of gray to where she could feel its body—a heartbeat so fast she could hardly feel the spaces between, a vibration.

“Okay, ready?” Otto said.

She lifted the bird and Otto wrapped his canvas jacket around it, tied the sleeves so it couldn’t escape, and cradled it against his chest. The bird bit at the air, reaching for something that wasn’t there, and then lay perfectly still and rested its head against the jacket. The three of them headed back toward the motel.

“Oh, he’s definitely a loon,” said the woman at the front desk. Her seashell earrings swung as she shook her head. “It’s been happening.”

“This has been happening?” Otto asked.

“Oh yes. It’s the algae bloom. The fish eat so much of it, and the loons eat the fish. It makes them go mental. They lose their way, attack surfers, beach themselves. We find a few dead every morning. Poor guy,” she said and pet the loon’s feathers.

Lacey ate one of the frosted pink cookies, still a bit buzzed from the bottle of wine.

“Okay, so does someone take it back out into the ocean?” she asked.

“No, I’m sorry, dear. It’s a whole process. Plus, it’s the weekend. He won’t survive here, so you’ve got to take him to the Loon Lady.”

Lacey started to laugh. “Of course we do, number forty-seven. We can’t.”

“You’re the one who wanted to do all of this,” said Otto, “and now I’m standing here holding a loon.” He cradled the bird against his chest. His words were supposed to be sharp she knew, but Lacey only heard softness. The room smelled of wet sea air and sweet, burnt popcorn. For the very first time, all the way down into the empty space, she let herself grieve what she had done. She allowed herself for just an instant to imagine a different narrative entirely.

Lacey came closer and rested her head on Otto’s shoulder. She pet the loon, its feathers so soft she could barely feel them. It closed its eyes. It seemed smaller now that they were inside.

“Where can we find her?” she asked.

“I’ll draw you a map,” said the woman. And on the back of the list she drew a map.

They drove in silence, Lacey in the passenger seat with the loon in her lap, Otto with one hand on the wheel and the other on her thigh. Paul Simon played on the radio: hearts and bones, hearts and bones. The ocean stretched out behind them as they climbed into the hills, following the map with a shared attention.

When they pulled up to the house, there was a man outside filling pails of water with a hose, carrying them from one end of the yard to the other, to a fenced-in area with pink and blue kiddie pools. They parked in the dirt driveway and climbed from the car.

“She’s inside,” the man shouted across the yard. “Just knock. She’ll come.”

The metal screen door rattled and the Loon Lady appeared in the doorway, bottle-feeding a loon that looked like the one Otto held.

“Gracious,” she said through the mesh of the screen. “He doesn’t look so good. A moment please.”

She disappeared in the house and came back with a box filled with alfalfa, like the kind you stuff in a class pet’s cage. Otto carefully unwrapped the jacket and the woman scooped up the loon and set it inside the box. They followed her around the side of the house.

“Do you work for the state?” Otto asked.

“I don’t work for anyone anymore. I was a vet when I was young. When the birds started dying, I don’t know why, people started showing up here with them. Like someone told them who told someone else I could do something.”

“And you help them?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes I help them die. Depends on what they want. How far gone they are. Usually make up their minds to live or die before they even get here.”

Nearly twenty loons littered the yard, some floating in baby pools, others cradled in alfalfa. Otto went to one of the pools and softly pet the birds one by one. He told the woman all the same facts he’d told Lacey earlier about the birds. They both listened carefully. Otto pressed his finger into his beard.

They stood in the yard for some time, neither touching nor speaking, just watching the Loon Lady circle the kiddie pools. It was motherly, the way she tended to the birds, touched the tepid water, and refilled feed dishes. The ocean air made its way up the hills and into the yard, smelling of salt and sage brush.

“And what about the ones who die?” Lacey asked.

“What about them?” said the Loon Lady.

A loon flapped around in a pool, disturbing the eerie calm of the yard.

“I bury them at the edge of the property. Everything goes back to where it came from,” she said.

Lacey wanted to ask if she could bury one. Instead, she looked for their loon, the one they had found, but the birds were all the same. All gray in the feathers and red in the eyes, silent like they’d never once made a sound.

“Is it going to be okay?” Lacey asked.

Neither the Loon Lady nor Otto answered her.