Q-TIP HEADS

Whenever a new hire asks for a look, I take the guy to the kill floor, a place that reeks of sweat and scared animal, manure and blood. Only once this room went over good with the rookie, the time I failed to notice the glow in his eyes like hot bullets.

“Does the line ever stop just because a cow’s still alive?” he asked.

I didn’t answer immediately, then recommended he reapply after taking some classes at Bovine University. Of course, the line doesn’t stop just because an animal’s alive, I just hope the big lug never comes back even if he graduates summa cum laude from Bovine.    

Today my new employee is Jose Raoul Felipe, a refugee. Refugees are the best. They work hard, never complain, and they take home their knives to sharpen until they’re smooth, honed, with no pits. We pull on our Wellingtons, and as we walk through the cutting room, I check to see there’s no warm gleam in his eyes; I see what a brawny man he is, broad-backed, over six feet. I tell him some folks are slaughterhouse workers and some are not.

“And you?” he says.

“I’m Inez Bixley, human resource director, the one who tours new guys around the plant.”

He nods and says gracias. He says he wants to be a belly ripper because they earn the most and he can send money to his family. Not to count my new hires before the end of their first shift, but I sense a steady-Eddie-Felipe in the making. With luck, his refugee friends will apply, too. And won’t that give the manager goose flesh?

I stand beside him, about to recite the manager’s ideology—Animals come here to die, to be eviscerated, decapitated, de-hided, because we are meat eaters, and this is a highly efficient pla—when I see that once again the scofflaws have invaded and retreated, leaving a crew of lacerated tail cutters in their wake.

“Egads!” I say. “Detached fingers cost us anywhere from two to four thousand dollars!”

Felipe waves his hands before his face, says, “Not with my digits,” and runs off the cutting floor. I distribute paper towels to the injured then make my way to the manager’s office to break the news.

 

Stu Gutman is a rough-tough meat plant kind of guy. He built Gutman’s up from a roving slaughterhouse that processed animals on the farm to CEO of Southern Ohio’s biggest abattoir, where thousands of cattle enter single file every day and leave in a revised form. His glass office is located above the picnic line.

From atop his saddle chair, Stu agrees that the scofflaws are odious. “That Animal Liberation Front splinter cell’s nothing but a bunch of leaderless underground terrorists,” he says. Last week, they infiltrated the cutting floor and hid the chain mail aprons and gloves. Each disfigured worker cost us three thousand apiece. A posse of scofflaws insulted one of the knockers, and when he stunned the next cow, he almost lost his balance on the catwalk. There aren’t any windows in this huge building, so scofflaws are either worming up from the blood drains or weaseling in with the cleaning crew at midnight.

Stu thinks the key to foiling scofflaws is to put them to work on the kill floor. I tell him they’ve come close to a few too many kills already. But he says the kill floor is hot, quick, bloody.

“We’ll speed up the line,” he says. “The carcasses’ll ping-pong back and forth across the rail so fast they’ll have to dodge constantly, or they’ll get slammed to the slimy concrete.”

A short time ago, when the scofflaws first began pestering Gutman’s, Stu reached out to them with Take A Scofflaw To Meat Plant Day. He matched scoffers with skinners. With so many new toilers, the cutting line was expected to take up the slack. The liners groaned. Looks flew, slurs catapulted, knives waved, cutters spit, and the scofflaws got the boot.

I came home from Take A Scofflaw To Meat Plant Day with a jagged tear across my knuckles. Father hid the Mercurochrome, saying I earned the septicemia that would cost me my hand. As if I wasn’t irradiated before leaving the plant.

But let’s not perform an amputation over a knuckle gash.

Father said, “Inez, you’re a toady for going along with such monkey business.”

I said, “Why?”

He said, “If you have to ask, you deserve every goof-off malingerer who trashes Gutman’s.”

The next day at Gutman’s, Stu brings up our employment records:

“Dwindlers are on the uptick,” he says. “If you continue hiring oldsters, Inez, we’ll have to slow the line.”  He gives me a pensive look and asks what I plan to do about it.

“Hire their grandkids?”

“Some can barely see or hear. You write them notes, use sign language, but most of the time you’re not making any sense.”

“We’re bleeding hirelings,” I say. “No matter how well I sell them on the job, they quit fifteen minutes after they get on the floor.” I go to jails and halfway houses. I call colleges sometimes, that’s how badly we need people. I hate to say this, but I think the only ones who do this job willingly are those illegal aliens, people who can’t turn the work down. But a while ago, before I got here, immigration came to the plant, found most of the aliens and fined us $90,000. I’d say a third of our workers here now are seniors, runners-up in the gotta-work arena.

But Stu treats the golden-agers lousy. This incident last week convinced me to use some bias reform on him:

Just as my favorite octogenarian, Wes Pie, raised a stun gun to off a cow, Stu yelled, “Step on it, Q-Tip head. Some of us have a beef plant to run.”

The elders cried, “Ageism!”

For days, they wrote “Stu has a little dick,” “Stu’s dick is so big it jerks him off,” and worse graffiti on the walls. And they plugged up the toilets. But Stu isn’t bad, he’s just overwhelmed.

Still, I almost walked out. Then I thought about all the ambulances that come and go all day. Who would spend the night in the emergency room with our forebearers when their hands got crushed, or when they got asphyxiated, because there was no one else to be with them?  I thought about my fondness for the weathered ones. Of course, I love Father and our home and, yes, I know he’s unattended when I work late, but I can’t help myself. I’m smitten by the venerable Wes Pie and his cohorts. I also thought about the upcoming Grilled Chimichurri Sweetbreads Fest and the safety parties I throw every month, how the blood pudding I boil delights Wes Pie, and, well, all the old-timers. I’m like their granddaughter. Sometimes, if they catch a case of trigger finger from making the same hacking motions for hours on end, I’ll take them to the company doctor and then return them to their stations.

But I also thought about Father’s bailiwick, his new bathroom —we’ve already picked out the walk-in tub with grab bars, the glow-in-the-dark, raised toilet seat, thermostatic controls on all the faucets to prevent scalding. Then I thought about the debonair Wes Pie some more, his crisp white hair, his crow’s feet, hollowed cheekbones and gauzy pubes sparse enough to count. I crush on Wes Pie the way a co-ed adores her professor emeritus. As The Jungle’s Jurgis Rudkus would say, watching Wes Pie work is like a poem. Ever since I asked him, “Are you married?” and he said, “A little bit,” I lost all sense of the Grand Canyon between our ages and began wanting to rub BENGAY into his cumulative trauma disorders, walk arm in arm with him to bingo after a hard day of slaughtering, confabulate with him about everything—the prisons we ship our meat to, how hide-pulling is his true calling, his teeth money he gambles away. So, like I do every time Stu screws up, I decided to reduce the damage.

Stu agrees we can’t afford to antagonize our employees of advanced years after I tell him, “Last month I hired seventy-three people but eighty-one left, and we both know it takes close to three hundred workers every day to run this place.”

What I don’t say is, There’s a stigma for people who work at Gutman’s, maybe because we process rickety cows and sell the cuts to schools for lunches. Maybe because the plant is always in trouble with the city over the dumb things we do, like dumping blood in the lagoons, like not using chimney filters until the stench is so malodorous that the city fines us then calls in the EPA for an inspection (and still, it stinks), like not resolving our issues with the scofflaws.

“When it comes to our geriatrics, we’ve got to work on acceptance,” I say.

Stu gives me a solemn look and asks what I think we should do.

“Relate better to our aging employees,” I say.

His furry eyebrows hoist. He sniffs.

“To improve the bottom line.”

He rubs his hands. He grins.

I believe an experiential Xtreme Aging workshop will dispel Stu’s myths about the elderly. Stu tells me his relations with the aged are bonnie. But I say I intend to become a voice for inter-generational advocacy in this plant.

  

A week later, I facilitate my first Xtreme Aging training and get a pitiful turnout: Stu and me. Though I have to admire Stu’s pluck when he wears special glasses that distort his vision as he tries to clean cheek meat off a cow’s head. That evening, at home, Father calls me a Dr. Phil wannabe for leading an aging sensitivity session.

I say, “When Stu wore rubber gloves and I taped his fingers to limit his manual dexterity, he understood how Wes Pie feels when he splits a cow’s middle and pulls its intestines out by hand.”

Father asks how Stu liked it when I put corn kernels in his shoes to experience what old feet feel like after the fatty tissue erodes.

I stare at Father, recalling how a bunch of scofflaws had interrupted our meeting, taunting, “No cowboy’d hire these TMBs!” (TMBs= Too Many Birthdays.) Then they wrangled off his jodhpurs and targeted the next cow in the chute. I worry that my attempt at synergism has backfired.

But let’s not harvest a cornfield out of a few kernels.

The next day, Stu brings up the employment records again. And the scofflaws.

“I’m on it,” I say.

 

Wes Pie is the king of code. I call him the Counselor. And he’s good at what he does, which is kill cows, but he also works Saturdays in the office, checking refugees’ cards—he checks every number on every card. Wes Pie was the one who kept immigration from rounding up all the aliens when they busted Gutman’s, saving Stu a load of dough. I ask him who in the pile of current applications would be good at keeping the line up to speed while safeguarding the plant from scofflaws.

“Eh?” he says.

I sit on a bench outside Wes Pie’s locker watching him swap batteries in his hearing aids. “Seems to me,” he says, “this batch of apps are mostly aliens. There is, however, Arnie Zipperstine.”

Under “Additional Comments” Wes had read Arnie’s description of the Iron Man he’d competed in.

“Really?” I say. “When Arnie returned his paperwork, he reminded me of Flaccid-Forefather.”

Stu says to try out Arnie Zipperstine. Arnie’s a deadbeat dad who owes decades of child support, and Stu says that’ll keep him hustling and rustling. Stu’s idea is to let Arnie oversee the picnic line—the conveyor belt that runs between workers who carve meat from the bone. On the picnic line, if meat backs up, it spills on the floor; if scofflaws are lurking, they mince it. And the key to maintaining speed, meeting quota, deterring scofflaws is sharp knives.

“Call Arnie,” Stu says.

The next day, Arnie ascends his saddle chair inside Stu’s glass office.

“Thnkz,” Arnie grunts. He wants to work on the picnic line since it pays top wage.

“Ride that line,” Stu says. “If workers leave a fleck of meat on a bone, chew them out.”

“Cors,” Arnie mumbles in his peculiar abridged discourse.

“Here’s my idea: when picnickers go on breaks, even lunch, you demand they tote their knives along to whet. That’ll keep the line zinging and reduce unnecessary stabbings. And it’ll make disassembling a scofflaw fast, too. I’ll raise you fifty cents an hour.”

“Iwuza scflw.”

I step into the breach. “The redeemed kind,” I say. But I’m thinking, Does Stu plan to de-hide scofflaws, peel and flay them?

“K.”

“Logistics that would make the CIA proud,” Stu says.

 

Why do I live like this? So I can work beside Wes Pie on Saturdays and catch glimpses of him the rest of the week. Also, there’s Father who needs me to care for him and keep him company. I have to be there for him now that Mom’s gone and make sure he never sees the inside of an assisted living home.

I’m reading applications when I’m assaulted by heinous groans coming from the picnic line, though the day shift has already finished. I step into my Wellingtons, rush to the line and find Arnie, buck naked, stretched out on the conveyor belt. The scofflaws have tattooed his flesh: shoulder, flank, rump, loin. Near his crotch soup boner is hand-lettered and beside the words an arrow points to Arnie’s manhood; inked into his upper thigh is meat loafing.

I’m imagining him packaged inside a Styrofoam tray, wrapped in cellophane, priced per pound when Wes Pie happens along.

“Heh-heh,” Wes snickers. He hoists Arnie across his back and I follow the effulgent beacon of his white hair as he walks off toward the company doctor—I swear, Wes Pie makes eighty-three look like the new seventy-nine.

When I tell Stu, he says, “That recidivist was not picnicking with two hands. We were delusional to believe that fossil could inspire butchers and expire truants.”

The thought, That man’s mature as Peter Pan, crosses my mind, and I begin planning another awareness workshop, one that zeroes in on building respectful relationships with the Q—the  elderly—since a senior tsunami is about to swamp America.

We discourage Arnie from reporting his inking to the authorities because the FDA might crash the picnic; we pledge to reinstate him as super after his hieroglyphics fade.

      

Stu calls me into his office and tells me the scofflaws have posted pictures of Arnie, drawn, quartered, and loafing, in all the locker rooms and stations. Not to mention, not stopping the line for live animals has already landed us in the dung pile with the USDA.

I worry Stu will give me the pink slip. Instead, he invites me into his glass office and mounts his saddle chair. I scale mine, too. He pulls a tumbler from his rucksack, pours a Bull Spit-tini, and offers me one.

“Being a slaughterhouse manager’s overrated,” he says.

“Yes,” I say.

“All I want,” he says, “is to crush my competish and run a plant where animals are processed into corned beef brisket, cocktail weenies, precooked pot roasts that’re microwaveable, conversions I cherish.”

“I understand,” I say. I want to make a pitch for hiring more Q-T—oldsters—but the telephone rings. It’s Wes Pie calling from the holding pen to report scofflaws have raided the feedlot and destroyed all the antibiotic-rich corn. We bought that enhanced maize on credit. Over the phone, Stu and I can hear a Tabernacle Choir’s worth of voracious mooing.

“Those felons are cutting into my drinking time,” Stu says. “If I could, I’d press a pneumatic device to their temples and blow ’em, ba-dow-dow.”

He pours many rounds of Spit-tinis that we slug down like champs, until we dismount and flop face-down inside his glass office.

 

When I get up, I feel like ralphing. Stomach lurching, I hope I don’t bump into Vitalmiro on my way to the parking lot. After immigration rounded up all the illegals they could find, Stu hired a lot of them back as independent contractors to clean the plant at night. Vitalmiro doesn’t understand that by hiring him to do the most appalling job in the world, Stu’s protecting him. But after Gutman’s was raided and Vitalmiro began working on the cleaning crew, terrible things happened to him. Since his release from the sanatorium, he’s been trying to get his tying-off-intestines job back.

Tonight, goose-hives prickle down my arms before I see Vitalmiro near my car. I want to press the alarm button but instead ask how he’s feeling. He says he sometimes sneaks into the rending department during the day and climbs inside gut bins to unclog drains with his long arms. His old friends appreciate his help, and he hopes Gutman gets wind of his good deeds and puts him back in intestines.

Vitalmiro doesn’t like me. That’s unfortunate because maybe I could help him recover from the trauma of that wintry night when he was on the roof cleaning grease and blood from the vents. A sudden gust blew him into the dark and he landed in an oak tree. Tonight he’s turning the air blue with his cigar, asking me if I heard about the feedlot and if I recognize, as he does, that the corn decimation is God’s tit-for-tat over Gutman’s crackdown on aliens. He says Gutman’s lost skilled workers, “And who’s filling our shoes?”

I can’t answer his question without intimating the seniors. He doesn’t believe, as I do, that the elderly are our future.

 

At home, Father looks up from his anti-Alzheimer’s word jumble to ramble on about the long hours he waited up for me. As if summoned, Vitalmiro, who has taken to crouching in a corner of my mind, says I’m as hardboiled as Mr. Gutman for slighting Father, while Father criticizes me for having insufficient funds in my account, causing my toilet seat company check to bounce.

I ponder cheering Father up with his favorite joke, “What did one cow say to the other as they were herded into the chute? ‘My only consolation is that by eating us, they’re killing themselves.’”  I ponder blabbing about the scofflaws, but I don’t do that either after he calls me a flunky. As I settle him into his stair-chair lift, I say, “Well, I’m home now.”

“Bosh!” he says. “Not for long.” The zeal of his words makes his pale hair jump.

A blush fans out across my cheeks as I stare at Father’s hand, a cold fish inside my warm palm, and wonder who he thinks is bankrolling whom.

To unwind, I heat beef chuck short ribs in my Dutch oven, zeroing in on Wes Pie’s visionary theory: Meat eaters outlive vegetarians. I’m barbecuing Love Beef Ribs, a token of my affection that I’ll add to my stockpile in the freezer, in preparation for the right moment. I’m braising a platter of myself for Wes to eat.

 

Next day, two Einstein-haired men, certified as the world’s oldest identical twins, apply for jobs: Upton and Overton Synklare. They seem decent enough; their urine’s sparkling, and that’s all that matters. Besides, if I wanted to check references, I couldn’t since the circus where they worked went belly-up. I can use them in the knife recycling room so that’s where I lead them.

We’re cinching our hard hats when I see Wes Pie drive by in a scrap cart. He stops so I introduce him to the Synklares. That evening, Wes Pie phones me at home, which simply sets my sex organs afire, and says the twins might be the ones if we still want help squashing scofflaws.

“I could kiss you!” I say, startling the contractor installing Father’s toilet rail. Father scowls. I smile sheepishly, but he raises his newspaper to conceal his face.

Scuttlebutt has it, Wes tells me, that the Portable Circus fired Up and Over because they refused billing as “Human Cannonballs” in favor of their new act, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Warriors.”

He suggests I trap a scofflaw in the knife recycling room with the Synklares and see what happens. I’ve witnessed their thrusts, their vertical and counter cuts. But knowingly lead a scofflaw into danger?  For Wes Pie, anything.

That afternoon, Stu proclaims Up and Over are twice as good as what he had in mind. I tell Stu I worry about skilled swordsmen roaming a plant where everyone carries knives they sharpen many times a day.

Stu says, “Think of it this way. At my slaughterhouse, some things must never die: a speedy line, antibiotics, irradiation. We strike now or the house suffers. Account receivables are atrocious. The bill to replace the enriched corn is mammoth. Fines to EPA, OSHA, USDA, FDA are prodigious. So, Ms. Apropos, you’re erroneous. Call the clones.”

My face flares from low to broil. I call the clones.

 

Two days later, after outfitting Up and Over with Wudang swords and loosing the twins into the factory, I arrange another workshop. Xtreme Aging sessions are starting to catch on. Today’s training is in the offal room, where Vitalmiro was found the night he got blown off the roof. He staggered in there after he came to in a tree and climbed down. But we keep the offal room at forty degrees at night, so he’d have been better off staying in his oak.

Xtreme Aging is a smash: the offal room is stocked with Q-Ti—workers of advanced years—because today is a town-hall-type meeting, a time for seniors to air concerns and offer suggestions for ways others can value our aged workforce.

Pointy-chinned Nadine Linkus, brittle as a pressed flower, has the floor; she proposes reducing the crippling speed of the line, “Because it’s causing our pacemakers to malfunction.”  Fly-away hair barnstorming, she adds, “I want power naps twice a day.”

Nadine gets a round of “Hot diggities!” I join the fray, too, recalling the times Father’s pacemaker has gone haywire when he works himself into a tizzy.

Next, Wes Pie rises and announces he’s in favor of organizing the “Salt and Pepper Jaguars,” whose mission is to resolve wage and promotion issues:

“We are the new wrinkles. We are the dicey ones. We are trying on tomorrow for size. This is our quest.”

With each word, he blooms back into the middle-aged man inside his elderly body, tempting me to shush him.

Our standing ovation gives rise to an agreeable stiffy inside his britches. As I clap, my eyes ignite like rum on a hot skillet.

As Huey Bruser clears his throat to begin, scofflaws emerge from under piles of hides and inside fifty-gallon barrels. They walk among the newborn Jaguars then hold a blade to Huey Bruser’s neck. “Let’s hear your idea, doyen.”

Out of fear, Huey turns mute so the scofflaws drag him away in the direction of the carcass cooler.

“Free Huey!  Power to the people!  The revolution has come!” the grand-persons chant as they march to the cooler, led by Wes Pie. I’ve never had to quell an uprising before, so I hurry to the glass office.

Stu’s drinking a Hairy Heifer-tini and writing a letter to the meat inspectors defending Gutman’s policy of allowing manure in its meats. Not a lot. Besides, irradiation takes care of the feces, cheap and easy. I tell him about Huey.

“We try to reach out to our elderly employees, and the belittlers put them on ice,” Stu says.

“Call 911,” I say.

He calls the cleaning crew.

When we arrive at the offal room, the grands are rolling an inert scofflaw inside a green hide. Up and Over are showing off their Beowulf-esque thrusts and parries to a shivering Huey Bruser. Wes Pie thanks the Synklares for returning Huey unscathed.

“An Elizabeth Barrett Browning moment?” Up asks Over.

Over nods then recites from memory, “And each man stands with his face in the light / Of his own drawn sword, ready to do what a hero can.”

Wes Pie tears up. I squirt a few myself.

Vitalmiro bursts in with his cleaning crew. The Synklares say they’re vamoosing to knife recycling.

Stu looks around then says, “Identical twins? Never saw them.”

Up and Over say, “Over and out.”

Stu turns over the wrapped up scofflaw to the aliens. To Vitalmiro, he says in a low voice, “When the chlorine fog rolls in tonight, grind ’im.”

I’m an ear-witness.

      

The skinny spreads about the Synklares, and for over a week the scofflaws are on the lam. As much as I hesitate to admit this, a bit of ennui sets in until a new hire, using an ice pick grip, slashes a worker’s white coat and makes off with a tub of knives.

Stu orders a search—“Leave no bone unturned,” he says, but the interloper bolts.

“No one’s hurt. Get back to work,” Stu says.

Up and Over, dressed like samurai and carrying katanas on their backs, arrive, fuming.

“Just how dangerous is the ice pick grip?” I say.

“That grip, if implemented with a double-edged knife, the pommel capped with the thumb, can slice a slaughterhouse worker into ground meat in no time.”

Stu’s eyes bulge. “You guys are the virtuosos. Security’s your baby.”  He invites the twins back to his glass office to saddle up and knock down some Ox Horn-tinis, extra dirty, but the Synklares tell Stu they must remain pure so they can interact with the matrix of the world.

I go to my office, mount the saddle chair Stu special ordered for me, close my eyes, and recite Elizabeth Barrett Browning lines.

When I dismount, there’s a barrel at my door with asthmatic gasps coming from inside. A Post-it is stuck on the lid:

This scofflaw won’t be ice picking anymore wage earners. Send katanas. Upton and Overton, The Working Stiffs’ Warriors.

A last-breath gurgle comes from inside the barrel, so I call Stu. 

He says, “Grind the guy then smack a pooh-pooh label on ’im.”

“I’m reporting this to OSHA.”

“The twins deep-sixed the other scofflaw, why not chuck this one, too?”

“But Stu, Up and Over discarded a scofflaw over a ripped coat.”

“Your new hire bullied my workman with a saber,” Stu says.

“Plastic cutlery.”

“You’re getting too big for your Wellingtons.”

“I’m a little confused,” I say.

“My point, exactly. Listen, until these ridiculers take a hike, morality has to take a walk. Now, junk that belittler and good riddance.”  He hangs up.

Lord, give me virtue, just not yet.

Since I don’t believe in cremation, I can’t grind the scofflaw, so I muscle the barrel to the cure room and write “specialty cuts” on the outside. I’m dumping the last of the dry cure, nailing the lid, when Vitalmiro enters through the spice room. He says while he likes to see a human resource director take an interest in production, I’m taking it too far.

“I believe a woman’s place is on the cleaning crew.”  He laughs.

“Some say, if I wasn’t a alien, I might be a stunner by now.”  

He tells me during the last salmonella outbreak, chlorine vapor dissolved his paper mask and his body broke out in blisters. He rasps and hawks. He turns purple. I wonder if he’s contaminated with bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

On my way back to my desk, I see Vitalmiro enter the glass office, find Stu’s tumbler, take many gulps, let himself out, and disappear.

      

As I drive home, I worry about Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, or mad cow. I obsess over barrels of cured tongue, unsmoked and smoked, raw, hewn, corned. At a yield sign, I meditate on casks of pickled tongue seasoned with onions and herbs. I turn a cold shoulder to the motorists bombarding me with foul epithets.    

At home, I want to divulge my conundrum to Father, but I’m afraid he’ll repudiate me. While dredging the brisket in flour and searing it on each side on medium-high, I recite Stu’s safety ideologue: Stop E. coli—treat meat like you’d eat it yourself.

For what it’s worth, salting a stiff scofflaw and storing him in the cure room is not the same as extermination. I didn’t slay the new hire. I didn’t requisition the barrel’s delivery.

I choke off those thoughts:  You abettor, henchwoman, consort. You need carnage rehab.

I place the brisket fat side up in a roasting pan and wonder, If I give regular penilinctus to the correction officer, will I earn extra visit time with Wes Pie? Then I pledge to muzzle myself and risk going to the pokey if we get nabbed.

When it comes to the witness protection plan, I’m pro-choice.

      

The day of the Grilled Chimichurri Sweetbreads Fest finally arrives. Our flier reads:

Chimichurri, sweetbreads, and a sweet good time. Help us set a world record for the most sweetbreads sold for a good cause [us] in a single day. Dance the Stanky Legg all night long.

It features a picture of our ultimate Big Taste Grill that’s twenty feet by seventy feet. Big Taste can satisfy thousands of sweetbread lovers per hour.

As with all offal, sweetbreads must be fresh, so while the Sweet Miss Beauty Pageant is going on, I’m rinsing, draining, patting dry batch after batch of thymus glands when, without warning, Father shows up. He’s miffed because the reps from Bathroom Solutions failed to keep their appointment.

To cheer Father up, I suggest he enjoy the pageant, but he insists on tossing the glands with oil then threading them onto skewers. I begin blending parsley and cilantro, cumin and paprika with lime juice, my unmitigated supremo chimichurri recipe.

A tent has been raised outside the fabrication room so that later on fest-goers can order custom cuts. But when scofflaws charge from that tent, I call on my inner Kentucky and yell, “Knife-up!” A pair of rapiers zing by, and the ubiquitous Up and Over come dueling from the hide room. One waves an epee, the other a foil. A scoff drops.

I press myself to the fab room’s wall; Father, wedged beside me, suddenly collapses. I fall to my knees and press a fist to my mouth. His cowlick over his forehead salutes me like a raised middle finger. He says, “In my life, I’ve been a lot of things—hoity-toity, a pedicurist—but I have never been so abused. Ever.”      

Another scofflaw sprawls as the Synklares throw their bodies forward in a running attack, chanting, “Ninja!” They retreat to the knife recycling room, but not before traumatizing scads of scoffs.

Vitalmiro arrives and, along with his crew, drags the most maimed off the property. The scofflaws they leave behind cry out, “Allah!” “Abba!”  “Yahweh!”

 

I help Father saddle-up in my office and go see Stu.

“We have to turn in Up and Over to the law,” I say.

“You want some prison guard playing booty check with you?  You want shank-making for a hobby?”

“They could’ve smote Father.”

“No one killed your father. If you snitch on the twins, you might as well give your liberty a big wet one for ‘auf Wiedersehen.’”

I turn scarlet.

Stu says, “Let’s make truth a low priority just now and make cashing in—I mean, redeeming our twins—of utmost urgency.”

He pours us each a Cow’s Ass-tini and offers a toast.

“To prosperity and restored peace at Gutman’s.”

We clink and drink. Now Wes Pie is at the door, glum with tragic news. The folks who emerged from the tent weren’t scofflaws but some early fest-goers who jumped the gun special- ordering heart sweetbreads for take-home because hearts have a creamier texture than throat sweets.

Stu, our GM of the meat industry, says, “This is a serious challenge.”

      

In my office, Father paws with his Hush Puppy at blood splatters on the floor. “From my Wellingtons,” I lie, pointing to where the boots are stashed behind the door.

Then I tell him everything.

He says, “How can you possibly work for such a despicable killer?”

My face ignites into fire. “I lost my way,” I say.

“Think you can find your way home?” he says.

I mount my saddle chair, watching Father gather himself, feeling torn between doing what Stu wants and putting the full courtship press on Wes Pie. When Father slams my office door behind him, the bang of it wakes me up. All I want is coitus with Wes Pie.

      

At home, I’m barely inside the door when Father appears and holds out a packed suitcase.

“After you serve supper,” he says, “I want you to leave. Gutman’s is all you care about. I could’ve been killed.”  He hands me an apron and says, “Work starts on the bathroom tomorrow. I’ll be in Vegas for the duration.”

He writes his PO Box where I’m to send him checks.

I’m scraping dirty dishes over the garbage pail when my cell phone rings, but it’s not Wes Pie.

“Come to my office,” Stu says. “So I can update you.”

Dreadful Stu’s drinking a Sweetbread-tini straight from his tumbler.

“OSHA’s shutting us down. Tongues wagged about our skirmishes.”

“Father kicked me out,” I say. “He’s changing the locks, installing security.”

“Did you hear me?  Gutman’s is closing. Temporarily.”

Then he says, “Find an apartment. I’ll hide there until things cool off.”

When I don’t reply, he says he’s taking back my saddle chair.

I wonder, Where’s a bolt stunner when I need one?  But I’ve got to stay out of lockup so I can abscond with Wes Pie. As I make my way back to my car, I see Vitalmiro on the roof, cleaning vents. I watch him slip, right himself, slip some more, then the wind picks up and he sails off, into the void. After drying my tears, I observe the Synklares as they joust from the knife recycling room, big smirks circling their chops, revenge like a gang of scofflaws in their eyes. When I realize it’s Stu they’re after, not me, my relief is so great I could yodel. In a moment, the three are framed within the walls of the glass office, fencing—Hamlet, Claudius, Laertes —I think, until Stu threatens, “Stab me with your sabers, I’ll shoot you with my .38.”

I recall the day Stu hired me, how he clapped my back in congratulations, how he poured me a Steer Rump-tini, and how, back then, I thought I’d be able to take care of any employees’ problems by writing safety policies to make sure things went smooth. But my job’s mostly about getting bodies in here to do work no one wants to do. With the exception of Wes Pie.

Overhead, the glass office rattles as the combatants lunge and plunge, so primitive a means of settling any disagreement. Downtown, Wes Pie speculates on bingo. Inside my suitcase, frozen Love Beef Ribs, wrapped in my chimichurri recipes, defrost, loosen up, relax in anticipation of Wes Pie’s tender lips.

Under the locker-room showerhead, I peroxide my dark hair then slip into red patent leather mules for my sugar pie bettor to ogle. I make my way to Bingo Casino, imagining mysterium tremendum et fascinans Pie kisses after Wes turns his good ear to hear my beguiling whisper, each syllable a jalapeño over Tabasco sauce:  You’re my Big Taste, Wes Pie, I’m your burning coal—all I want, given the chance, is to sear, sizzle, slow-smoke your beef kebabs from now until forever.

IN PRAISE OF MULTITUDES

When I say you are, you is more

than one. The English language knows

I am looking at a river, a string of rail cars,

 

a field of what’s wild. When I say

hold on, the road will turn to gravel;

your muscles won’t soften. When I say

 

you are calluses against cast iron,

the shut bedroom door, I am looking

through the keyhole. You are pacing past

 

my only light, looking out closed

windows. It’s cold: could you hurry up?

When I say the bottle’s open;

 

go pour a glass, you slide the black bottoms

of your feet into the kitchen. My dusty floor

might stick to your feet when I say

 

let’s dance. When I say hush, the crickets

thicken. Home isn’t where you leave it.

When I say you are, God knows

 

one isn’t enough: that hope

gleans heaven here and there

like a girl gone to gather.

THE WEATHER DOWN HERE

                                                                              —Washington, NC

A quick stop at Food Lion for beer & whole wheat buns,

then Hog Heaven for pints of barbecue, baked beans,

 

& slaw. Idling in the take-out lane, I’m taken

by gangrenous clouds closing fast from the east.

 

In Beaufort County, storms are upon us in minutes; roiling

cells shear through the skillet-flat fields of tobacco & cotton.

 

In lightning’s flicker, the family plots of farmers appear

visited by God. They startle me like you do, dear, like

 

cumulonimbus on the horizon. Come gather after; slip

your hand into my pocket & kiss my sunburned neck.

 

Recite with me again the capricious

                                               nature of our Carolina weather.

The Robert Watson Literary Prize Story HEARTBREAK GRASS

There was a man who lived in my district and this man had gone South to fight the Americans and when he came back a year and a half later he had no arms, no legs, and he was blind.

I called him Uncle, like us youngsters would address our seniors. Uncle Chung was thirty-one when he returned home as a quadruple amputee. A blind war veteran. I was eighteen and about to be drafted to join those destined for the South. When I saw Uncle Chung the first time I knew why many boys my age grew alarmed of being drafted into the army. Uncle Chung used to work as a machinist. He was once a big man. But the first time I saw him, limbless, he looked to me more like a freak I saw years later in the South, a country boy burned by napalm, so far gone he looked during nighttime like a glowworm, and his father would charge each neighborhood kid ten xu to come into the house to watch the human mutant.

I saw Uncle Chung on a day the herbalist I worked for sent me over to the man’s house with the medicine. The medicine. Always the medicine. And the wife. Each time Uncle Chung’s wife came to the shop to consult with the herbalist, I would hang back from leaving, sometimes to run an errand, so I could listen to her melodious voice and steal glances at her while trying to look busy in the shop. She was perhaps in her mid-twenties but looked older with the way she rolled her hair up and tucked it into a bun, so when she turned her head you could see the long curving nape of her neck. White or pale blue was the color of the blouse she wore. Just white or pale blue. And always the first customer in when the shop had just opened. The early morning light would cast a pallor on her face, and her ink-black eyebrows only made her face paler. Yet despite the anemic white of the undernourished, the unwell look, she was pretty. The city was full of women her age and older. Now and then you saw men—many had gone South and most of them never returned.

One rainy morning I went to their house with the herbal medicine. Down an alley through the standing water floating with trash to a stucco-yellow matchbox dwelling in a housing project. Its green door was left ajar. Stepping in I heard a man’s singing voice:

If I were a dove

I’d be a snow-white dove.

Spring and then summer.

The flowers, the flowers, the flowers.

You say aren’t they pretty

And I say

Aren’t they really.

I looked down at a man sitting on a pallet. The gruff voice stopped, the man turned his face toward the door. His skin, his eyeballs were yellow, the mucus yellow. I couldn’t tell if he was blind, but I could tell those eyes had the look of fake eyes you put in stuffed animals. But his song about the pretty flowers struck me. What would he see now but his own disturbed memories? He kept nodding—I wasn’t sure if he had any control of it—and he had a large head matted with tousled black hair that covered his ears and the collar of his shirt. The old olive-colored army shirt, with its long sleeves cut off, revealed the stumpy ends of his severed arms. You could see the rotten-wood brown of the flesh—what was left of his upper arms.

I told him I brought him the medicine and as I spoke I looked at his full wiry beard. If his wife refused to shave it for him, I thought, it’d one day hang down to his neck. Then his torso. He must have been a big man, aside from his large head, for the only part left of him filled out his army shirt. His torso was as thick as a boar. He wiggled on his rump. “Make me a pipe,” he said as if he knew me, or I were someone he used to boss around.

I stood eyeing him, a squat hunk of meat sitting on two slabs of flesh called thighs. What looked like his shorts were a pair of army trousers shorn at the knees.

“Don’t stand there!” he snapped at me, his voice as viscous as if spoken through a mouthful of glutinous rice.

“I brought you your medicine, Uncle,” I said and bent to put the herb packet next to a water pipe that sat before him. It was a long bamboo pipe in old yellow, and near the end with the bowl to receive the tobacco, the yellow had become stained with black smoke. The pipe stood on an angle, harnessed by a wide bamboo strip that went around the trunk and came down to rest on the ground like a mortar tube on its bipod.

“Make the pipe,” he said. “Then you can go.”

I just shook my head at his authoritative voice.

“Don’t you know how to light a pipe? Boy?”

“I do, Uncle.”

“Then light my damned pipe. And get out!”

Light your own bong! But I stopped short of ridiculing him. I didn’t pity him. At first sight, he struck me as freakish. An overbearing freak. Then I thought I’d better set the tone for myself.

“You’ll see a lot of me, Uncle,” I said to him politely, “as long as you need Chinese medicine. And I don’t take orders. Not from strangers.”

“You a prince?” His voice twanged. “Some sort of a pampered shit?”

“If I were, Uncle, I wouldn’t be here bringing you this measly medicine.”

“Did your pa teach you manners? Or is he too busy making drugs?”

“My ma and pa died a long time ago.”

“So you’re an orphan. No wonder.”

“I can behave, Uncle.”

My calm voice had him lost for a moment. He rotated his jaw then said, “How old are you?”

“Eighteen, Uncle.”

“You be joining the army soon, eh?”

“Right. The way things are.”

“You know what I did for a living before the war?”

“What did you do, Uncle?”

“I was a foreman in a machine shop.”

I thought of lathes and mills. Those shops must be busy during wartime. Hearing nothing from me, he leaned his head to one side as if to determine in his mind where I was. “In the army I was a senior sergeant,” he said. That fit him, I thought. Some were domineering just by their nature. He went on, “Used to do all the things myself. My woman didn’t need to lift a finger. Now, now, the world’s turned upside down. Man has to beg from a woman’s hand. When you’re down and out, you’re worse than a mutt. I can’t even piss or shit unless she lets me.”

His voice was flat. In it I sensed no self-pity. Like he was telling me about the weather. I thought of walking out but I changed my mind. I could see the pipe’s bowl had no tobacco. “Where’s your set, Uncle?” I asked him.

“Look around,” he said tonelessly. “Set shaped like a persimmon.”

The bare room had two metal chairs. Under one chair sat a lidded pot. It looked like his toilet pot. The only piece of furniture was a black-wood cupboard. The ornate flowers embossed on the cupboard’s doors gave it a vintage feel. It must have belonged to his once-proud past before the war ruined him.

“Can’t find it?” he said, keeping his head still as if to listen for a sign of my presence. “Used to have things everywhere around here. But she’s done sold most of them over the years. Now you can hear the echo of your voice.”

Through a thin flowered curtain that sectioned off the inside of the house, I saw a bamboo cot draped with a mosquito net. The net hadn’t been rolled up. I went through the curtain looking around. A gas stove sat against the yellow-painted wall next to a standalone narrow cabinet, its black-wood glass doors opaque with smoke and dust. On the wall were hung rattan baskets dyed plum red and peach yellow. A wooden table sat in the center of the room, and on the table I saw the persimmon-shaped caddy painted coal black.

The caddy made of fruitwood had a keyhole. I brought it to him. It was locked. I told him.

“Damn woman,” he said.

“She kept the key?”

“Damn she did.”

“She forgot?”

“That woman? Never. Never forgot anything.”

“Well, Uncle,” I chuckled. “What’s with the key anyway? Even if she’s left it for you, I mean.”

“I’ve got help.” He jerked his chin toward the entrance. “Door’s always open.”

“Your neighbors?”

“Them louts. Sit at the door every day. Gawking and giggling.”

“Ah. Kids. They help you, Uncle?”

“Some do. Some I have to bribe.”

I wondered what he bribed them with. “Where’s she now?”

“Out. Business.”

I shook the herb packet for him to hear. “What’s this medicine for, Uncle?”

“Stabilize the yin and yang in my body. That’s what your pa, eh, the herbalist said.”

“Your yin and yang?”

“This body,” he said, pressing his chin to his chest to make a point, “still has a piece of shrapnel in a lung. The metal junk messes up the balance of yin and yang. So I heard.”

“How’s that?”

“I puke blood whenever it gets bone chilly.”

“They didn’t take it out of your lung?”

“If they could, it wouldn’t be in my lung now, eh?”

I ignored his rude remark and looked around. The slatted side door opened into a common garden. Rain was falling steadily on the leaves of herbs and vegetables and the morning light glinted on the rain-wet leaves. I knelt on one knee, looked at the water pipe, then at him.  “You smoke often, Uncle?”

“Often as she lets me.” He grinned a crooked grin then yawned. I could smell his rancid breath. I tapped the caddy, thinking, until he cocked his head to listen to the noise. “I can make a pipe for you, Uncle,” I said. “But I’d have to pry the lock open.”

“I don’t give a damn about the lock. But I know what she’d do if the lock is busted.”

“What then?”

He let his head nod again, like he was following his thoughts. “Once I lay here in my piss and shit the whole damn day till she decided to clean me up. Otherwise the house would stink and that’d ruin her dinner.”

“What started it?”

“Like I told you. I only piss or shit when she lets me.”

“So she wanted to condition you, didn’t she?”

“You’re wrong, boy.” He frowned. “I mean, young man, she was talking business with this man in the alley. Talk. Talk. I yelled to her. Damn did I yell. Then everything burst out of me. When she came back in I doubt she bothered to look at me. Then when the smell couldn’t be ignored for heaven’s sake, she just left the house.”

Listening, I recalled her to my mind and still I couldn’t reconcile what I just heard with what I’d carried inside me ever since I saw her. He wiggled on his rump and the nylon sheet that covered the pallet squished. “If I can have me a drink,” he said. “Hell, if I can have me some rice liquor.”

“Where does she keep it, Uncle?”

“That woman won’t waste money on that kind of stuff.” He wrinkled his nose, snorting a few times to clear it. “We’d been drinking, me and some old friends. They brought a bottle with them and after they left I began having chills and shaking like a dog. She came in and saw the mess of cigarette butts and ashes and unwashed cups and started yelling at me. I cursed her, so she sat me up and screamed in my face, and it was then I threw up. I believe I just let it gush out all over her blouse.”

“You vomited on her? Why?”

“To spite her? I’m not sure. She emptied the bottle into the drain. That’s far worse than hearing her curse me or let me rot on my own.”

“I’ll get you some liquor the next time, Uncle.”

“I have no money on me. To pay you.”

“I know.”

“I’d appreciate it, young man. You drink?”

“A little.”

“That won’t hurt. You going into the army soon. So. I used to get high while we stayed for months in the jungles. Ever heard of dog roses?”

“They told me. Them wild roses that crave blood to bloom?”

“Hogwash.” He blew his nose with a loud snort. “But them wild roses have a subdued fragrance, not as strong as garden roses. And their leaves when crushed have a delicious smell. We cut up their fruits too and add them to the tobacco. Them rose hips give an added authentic kick when you’re high.”

His mouth hung open with an amused smile as he stared into space. Those eyes made me think of yellow marbles. Quietly I looked at his limbless torso, the wiry beard that covered half of his face, and a thought hit me: how would I carry on if I ever became like him? This man seemed to survive the way a creeper did, by latching on to living things nearby. He wanted to live.

 

I went back to Uncle Chung’s house a few days later. This time the herb packet I brought contained finely cut leaves of yellow jasmine. When the herbalist wrapped them up, I asked him what they were for. For hemorrhoids, he said. For external swelling and pain. But never take them orally, he said. It’s fatal. I asked if the wife knew about it and he nodded. She didn’t want the ointment, he said. She wanted the leaves and the seed pods. Much later when I was fighting in the South I would occasionally come upon this vine in the jungles. At first glance you could mistake it for honeysuckle. Then I found out that the vine—any part of it from its root to its leaves and flowers and fruits—was toxic if taken by the mouth. I also learned the words the Americans called it: heartbreak grass.

I bought half a liter of rice liquor in a bottle. Uncle Chung was lying on the pallet, sleeping on his side like a big baby. I woke him and helped him sit up. He kept squirming.

“Hemorrhoids bothering you, Uncle?” I asked him.

“Like hangnails,” he said. “Just a nuisance. You said you’ve got the spirits?”

“I bought half a liter.”

“Let me smell it.”

I opened the bottle and held it under his nose. He leaned forward to have a full whiff of it and nearly toppled. I held him up. He grunted, his face contorted into a painful scowl. The hemorrhoid must be bad enough, I thought.

“You want to lie down, Uncle?”

“What for? Wish I had arms to hug this bottle here. Eh?”

I found a cup and poured him some of the clear-colored spirit and brought the rim of the cup to his lips. He sniffed, then inhaled deeply, his nostrils flaring. He held the drink in his mouth and kept nodding. Then he thrust his head toward the cup, said, “Give me.” He made a loud sucking sound, lifting his chin in a great effort to imbibe the liquor. The spilled liquor dripped from his beard.

“A smoke, Uncle?”

“Got no key to that caddy.” He burped. “You know that.”

“I got you cigarettes. Here.”

As I lit and puffed on a cigarette for him, he sniffed like a mouse. “You’re a prince, young man,” he said, and his lips curled up into a wide grin. “If I die tonight, I won’t regret a damn bit.”

I plugged the cigarette between his lips and let him drag on it like he was out of oxygen. When the ash curled and broke, I caught it in my palm and went to the door and let the rain wash it from my hand.

“We need some sun.” I sat back down. “To air things out.”

“Rainy day like this, you just want to sit and sip liquor and cuddle up with a pipe. Eh?” He tilted his torso to one side and I could tell that he wanted to ease the pressure on his hemorrhoids.

“This stuff for your hemorrhoids,” I said as I jiggled the herb packet, “has it helped?”

“What?” His dead-fish eyes looked blindly at me.

I gave him another shot of rice liquor and he took a healthy sip from it. Then huffing he said, “Something like . . . opium. Might help.”

“Opium? You can’t afford it, Uncle.” I lit another cigarette and put it between his lips. “You said it helps? Against pain?”

“Kills pain. When I was all busted up by a mìn cóc, they gave me opium. Damn. It worked.”

“What’s mìn cóc?”

He described it. Leaping Frog mine. Gruesome destruction. The kind of mine that jumps up when triggered and explodes two, three feet above the ground. Severs your legs and worst of all maims your genitals. Bouncing Betty. That was the name I later learned from the Americans.

I asked him if he lost his limbs from a Bouncing Betty, and he said yes, nodding and snorting. Smoke from his cigarette didn’t bother him, his dead eyes open unblinkingly, as he asked me, “Which would you rather lose: both of your legs or your penis?” I couldn’t help chuckling and said that I would never ask myself such a question, for it was a warped sense of morbidity that should have no place in a sane mind. He chewed on the cigarette butt leisurely and said, “Soon you’ll ask yourself such when you start having phobia of losing your body parts.” I told him I never treated one part of my body more favorably than another. If it happened, I’d live with it. One older guy in the army said the same thing to me, years later when I was in the South, that your body parts are like your children and you don’t favor one over another. Now, out of curiosity, I asked if he still had his penis and he laughed, spitting out the cigarette, and the ash was scattered on the nylon sheet. I brushed off the ash and waited until he stopped cackling and put the cigarette back between his lips. He shook his head, so I took the cigarette out and he said, chortling, “Still with me, young man. My treasure is. So I don’t have to pee through a tube. And am still a man. That’s what it’s good for. Don’t ask me about my woman though. I don’t blame her.” I mused on his remark as he asked for another sip. Afterward he said there was this thing called “crotch cup,” which had gained popularity in the South among men in his unit and others. It started out when this guy custom-made a triangle cup-shaped piece that he cut out of an artillery shell, and through its three sides, he drilled holes to run three twines and looped them around his torso to hold the piece in place against his crotch. He became the butt of every joke told among fellow soldiers. Then when more and more men fell victim to Bouncing Betty mines, many having been cut below the waist, their genitals pulverized, blown and stuck to their faces in pieces of skin and hair, they grew so paranoid they started finding ways to protect their manhood—and their lineage. The crotch cup became their holy answer. As I tried to absorb the horror of  the war’s realness, twinged with the painful knowledge that I too would soon be a part of that reality, he told me he chose not to wear a crotch cup because it was unwieldy and uncomfortable. Then, snickering, he said some fellows in his unit at one point decided to take a break from wearing the crotch cups, and the next thing that hit them was Bouncing Betty mines. What he never could forget was the crotch pieces of the army trousers all shredded and glued to fragments of white bones, unrecognizable lumps of the genitals found on the ground, some still with skin, some with hair. Without sight now, he said, he imagined those scenes day and night. I listened and decided to take a sip of liquor. I wasn’t afraid, but the gloomy pictures he painted for me to see had affected my mood.

 

For more than a month I had not visited Uncle Chung and neither had I seen his wife coming to the herbal store for prescriptions. One late morning when the weather had cleared up, I went to his house. The door was closed but wasn’t locked.

Inside the house, dim and cool, there was a moistness in the air. It was tinged with a fermented sourness of liquor that had been spilled. On the pallet scattered with clumps of cooked rice, Uncle Chung was lying facedown, the seat of his cutoffs damp-looking. Just as I sat down on my heels, his voice came up, “That you, young man?”

“You awake, Uncle?”

“No. I never sleep,” he said with a deep-throated chuckle. “Just airing out my rump.”

“Wet your shorts?” I peered through the curtain. “Where is she?”

“Be back in the afternoon. She closed the door, didn’t she? Should have left it open for fresh air.”

“It smells in here, Uncle. Want me to open it?”

“Well, don’t chance it. She closed it for a reason.”

“What?”

“Bunch of them kids were coming here this morning. Some were new, I could tell. So she yelled at them, ‘You want to peep at him? Do you? How about pay him? That’s right. Pay him and I’ll let you ogle at him, pet him. Long as you like.’ They just broke off and ran.”

I eyed the stain on his buttocks. “She meant it, didn’t she?”

“It came out of her mouth. So.”

I thought of her. Just briefly. The pretty face. The pleasant voice. “Want to sit up, Uncle?”

He twisted his head toward my side. “My back. Can you scratch it?”

I pushed up his army shirt, paused and brushed off pellets of rice stuck to his back. A warm, sweaty smell rose from his body, and for one brief moment I stared at his back, its bare flesh speckled with black moles like someone had sprinkled raisins on it. His voice drifted sleepily, “She kept telling me . . . those black moles I was born with were flies . . . flies . . . crushed into my skin.”

As I scratched him, he squirmed. His stomach groaned. I wondered if he had eaten since the night before. “Get a towel in there . . .” he said. “Check the kettle. Might have some hot water in it. That’ll take the itch away.”

I found a dish towel hung between the rattan baskets. I reheated the water in the kettle and wet the towel and wrung it as steam wafted up. I saw a bowl with some cooked rice left in it, sitting on the table. A few cubes of fermented tofu lay on top of the rice. Next to the bowl was a glass with some water. But it wasn’t water when I sniffed it. Liquor. I took the bowl and the glass with me and came back out. The hot towel seemed to help him feel better against the itch after I had scrubbed his back until it turned raw red.

“That damn monkey meat,” he slurred.

“What monkey meat?”

“She brought back some monkey meat yesterday. I ate some.”

He tried to turn onto his back. With my help he rolled over. It struck me when I looked down at him. His left cheek had a cut and several scratches. Red, raw, they looked fresh. Since I last saw him he had lost much weight. I could tell from the hollowness in his cheeks and from the slackness given by his shirt. “Let me sit you up,” I said. He let me pull him up, grunting. An ammoniac smell hung about his face. I winced. “Your face, Uncle,” I said, “smells of piss.” His nostrils twitched. “Yeah. From my head to my butt, eh?” His beard, longer now, felt like a woolly wad when I wiped his face. “Woman’s piss,” he said and shook his head.

“What?”

“She pissed on me.” He grinned as if amused while I felt disgusted. “I had a seizure last night. That came after I ate some monkey meat. Good thing I didn’t die, ’cause I woke up and she was sitting on my face and watered me with her holy water. For heaven’s sake I felt all cold sober after that.”

I told him perhaps her quick thinking might have bailed him out of danger. He nodded. For the first time I noticed in his jet-black hair the gray hair had started showing through here and there. I could hear his stomach growl again. “I brought you leftovers—rice and liquor,” I said. He asked me to dump the leftover liquor into the rice. Obliging him, I stirred the concoction, the sickly yellow tofu cubes going round and round with the rice clumps, a tart smell of stale liquor and tofu hung about. I spoon-fed him. He slurped and swallowed. He didn’t even chew. I asked him how he could eat anything like this, and he spat out some rice and said, “There comes a time when you’d eat anything given you. In the South once we had no salt for weeks so we ate ash. Not a bad substitute.” He hiccupped. “Be adaptable, young man.”

“Where’d she get the monkey meat from?” I asked him.

“From a baby monkey, fallen off a tree and drowned in a flood. Well, she and this guy were up across the Viet-Sino border on opium runs. They got caught in a flood and had to eat bamboo rats.”

I recalled the man he mentioned coming to the alley and talking with her. “What if she gets caught by the border police?”

“I’d know when that day comes.”

He told me she had given him the black pellets of opium whenever he had a bout of pain—the hemorrhoids, the lungs. The pains would go away. Since then the seizures had come more than once. If she was home, she would give him liquor that seemed to blunt the fit and, sometimes with much liquor, he would fall asleep.

“I cursed her for giving me the monkey meat,” he said. “She yelled at me, ‘You’re a dunghill. A dunghill for me to risk my life just to earn some cash to keep all your perverted sicknesses at bay.’” He raised his brows, his eyeballs like still yellow marbles. “That woman has a sharp tongue. But she spoke the truth. Said, ‘Who’s going to make all your pains disappear? Doctors? Your crummy pension? That? That goes out the window in no time just to pay the helpers to clean up your filth and buy you liquor so your opium fits won’t kill you. Monkey meat, hanh? Last time you crashed, was it monkey meat? Or was it opium? I’m an expert now on how to kill your obscene pains when you convulse on the floor like a leech, your eyeballs roll into your head, your mouth foams like baking soda. And next time when you bang your head, find a sharp corner. Hanh?’”

It dawned on me about his facial cuts. “You banged your head? During a seizure?”

“Broke her cactus pot and got their spines all over my face.”

As I put the empty bowl away, the fermented sourness made my nose twitch. He cleared his throat, his sticky voice becoming raspy as he told me he had done his part around the house, and yet she never appreciated it. When it did not rain for days, he twice managed to crawl out to her vegetable patch and urinated on the spinach, the purslane, the fish mint. He could tell by their smells. And she could tell of what he had done sometimes by the sight of the cigarette butts lying among the patch. The fish mint leaves would smell repugnant when she chewed them, then she would spit them out and daub the paste on his forehead. He would curse, shake, to get rid of the slimy gob and she said, “You get what’s coming to you. It smells like your piss, doesn’t it?”  She loved her garden patch. Nights when it rained, the air moist and cool, he could hear raindrops pinging on the cement steps and the moistness in the air seeped through his skin. He liked the rain, for he knew rain would soak the soil in the vegetable patches. At first light the soupmint’s downy hair would spark red, the crab’s claw herb would glisten, the thyme, the basil would be gorged with moisture. He could tell that one of her pet plants, the yellow jasmine vine, was coming out in clusters. She’d watered it every morning from the time she brought home the seeds, allowing the pods to dry first before breaking them open, and nursed the seeds with much watering until one morning he could smell something fragrant and that was the first time it flowered. He might hear her cheerful voice, for a change, when she plucked them at dawn.

   

I didn’t visit Uncle Chung for a while until one morning I saw his wife coming into our herbal store. She was wearing a white blouse and a red scarf around her neck, and the red was redder than hibiscus. She asked for a cough prescription. The herbalist asked her if Uncle Chung was having a cold or flu and if he had a whooping cough. She smiled, said it was for a sore throat. I could hear someone coughing outside the store. A man was smoking a cigarette, standing on the sidewalk with his hands in his pants pockets. Lean, dark-skinned, he was about Uncle Chung’s age. His slicked-back hair was shiny with pomade. He glanced toward the store, coughed, and spat. When she met his gaze she smiled. She had that fresh smile that showed her white teeth. Even, glistening.

I thought of that smile when I went to see Uncle Chung afterward. He wasn’t on the pallet. Him sitting or lying on that pallet had been a fixture in my mind. That gave me pause. I went through the curtain and saw him crawling like a caterpillar toward a corner of the room where the bathing quarter stood behind accordian panels. He bumped a chair, stopped, wiggling his head as if to get his bearings. I called out to him.

“Young man?” he cocked his head back, his hair so long now it looked like a black mane.

“Why’re you in here?” I went to him.

“Water.”

“Water? Where?”

“Where she bathes.”

There were no pails, not even a cup, in there. Her black pantaloons were the only item hanging on a string from wall to wall. I could see water still dripping from the pantaloons’ legs. Before I said anything to him, he gave a dry chuckle. “That’s my water.” I pictured him worming his way to where he could catch the dripping water with his mouth.

It took a while before I could move him back out onto his own pallet. Though he said he hated water, he drank some from the kettle, which I poured directly into his mouth. He asked for a cigarette. I told him I was out of cigarettes and promised him when I got money I’d buy him a pack and some liquor. I brought the black caddy to the pallet.

“I’ll make you a pipe, Uncle,” I said, tapping the caddy.

“It’s locked. You know it.”

“I’m going to break the lock.” I thought of her, her smile to the man she had been with, and I could feel my resentment.

“Go ahead.” He grinned.

Surprised by his encouragement, I clucked my tongue as I twisted the blade of my pocketknife inside the keyhole until I felt it snap. “I saw her at the store,” I said to him casually, folding the pocketknife.

“She breezed out of here this morning and I swear I could smell perfume.” He tried to clear his throat, for his voice suddenly sounded strained. “Make the pipe. I need it.”

Inside the caddy a jackfruit leaf lay on top of the tobacco. The leaf was no longer fresh, the blade having gone a dark yellow. He listened to my movements and mumbled something about the leaf left in there to keep the tobacco fresh. Without it when you smoke, he said, the tobacco lacking moisture would burn dry in the throat. He asked me what she wore. I told him. Then remembering her red scarf I told him that too. “Damn,” he said. As I lit the pipe he brought his lips to the opening of the pipe, paused and said, “I remember her wearing that scarf, that red scarf, only once in her life. On the day we got married.” He took a heavy drag, the water in the pipe singing merrily, and then he tipped up his face and blew a cloud of smoke toward the ceiling. “Wish I had eyes to see that scarf on her this morning. Damn it. Was she with somebody?” I told him she was, adding that he must be her business partner. Uncle Chung grunted with a twisted grin at the words I used. I could sense his muted pain and at the same time my still simmering displeasure toward her. “But my woman. Oh my woman. Whenever she bathes in there, I still feel that urge just to caress her full calves. Know what they remind me of, young man? The wax gourds. Those fleshy ripened gourds to sink your teeth in.” He stopped snickering and drew a healthy drag, kept the smoke in his mouth as long as he could and his eyes became slits in his own bliss. I repacked fresh tobacco in the bowl, thinking wishfully of a rice liquor bottle, because I wanted to get drunk, very drunk, with him. I took one big drag with the fresh tobacco, my head buoyed, tingling, as he slurred his words, “Know something else, young man? In the South when they amputated my limbs they said, ‘Don’t cry now, Sarge.’ You know why? We got no anesthesia. So I had someone press her picture on my eyes and I imagined her in that red scarf and I sucked in the pain until her picture shrank with the pain and I passed out.” He nodded his head up and down like on a spring, said he understood her and even felt grateful to her still being with him. Chuckling, he told me the night before a female cat was yowling in heat as it wandered off the garden and into their house and his wife left her cot to come out, turned on the light and saw the cat push its bottom against his stumped leg, rubbing and purring, and his wife said, “Look at it, oh will you look at it,” and he said, “She’s horny. Aren’t women like that when the moon is full?” and she just howled, “How can I sleep with its obscene squealing? Now, now will you look at its obscene way of showing itself?” He said, “How obscene?” She told him that the cat was lying down, twitching its tail and then flinging it to the side and there it was: the pink slit of its genitalia, pink and swollen. Before going back to her cot, she said she was going to stuff the cat’s mouth with lá ngón, the yellow jasmine leaves, if it didn’t stop yowling. He made a snorting sound as he laughed, said it took a long time before things got quieted down, the cat now gone, but the sound of her cot creaking beyond the curtain kept him awake into the night.

Now he blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth and a light breeze coming through the front door carried the smoke toward the back door. I saw a pot on the doorsill, a tall wooden stake rising from its bottom, and around the stake twined the yellow jasmine vine. Uncle Chung’s wife’s pet plant. I could tell by its pretty yellow flowers.

  The next morning a boy from Uncle Chung’s alley ran into our store and asked the herbalist to come quickly to Uncle Chung’s house. The herbalist was like a doctor in our district, where western medicine and its physicians weren’t trustworthy. I went with him, the boy running ahead of us before we could ask him. Inside the house I saw Uncle Chung lying facedown by the back door where the pot of yellow jasmine sat. It took me but one look to see that he had plucked nearly all the fresh leaves of the vine and some of them were in his mouth still and some of them lay scattered over the doorsill. White foam coated his mouth and his head full of long black hair lolled to one side, and in the morning light I could see the gash and the scratches on his cheek.

I knelt down, looking at his eyes, still open like yellow marbles. I ran my hand over them, and the eyes stayed open. Like dolls’ eyes.

 

A year later I left the North to go South to fight the Americans.

Many of my friends had gone South. Nobody had heard anything from them since. I asked people why none of them ever came back, and they shushed me. Most of them my age tattooed their arms with four words, “Born North Die South.” Like it would boost their morale. Most of them died—true to their tattoos—and there was no news sent home. You can’t win the war with damaged morale suffered by the people at home. The messengers of death weren’t telegrams, but the returning wounded who eventually reached the unfortunate families with the tragic news.

The first day on the way South on the Hồ Chí Minh Trail I saw camouflaged trucks heading North. It was raining. Rain fell on our nylon raincoats, fell on the open beds of the trucks. We stopped, exchanged greeting words. I saw human bodies, alive and packed under the cover in mottled shades of green and brown. The wounded. Some had no legs. Some burned by napalm so severely they looked leperous. Rain dripped on their limbless bodies as they slept. After the trucks came the stretchers. Sticks, bamboo slapped together. Lying on them were the blind. Some had no faces. We couldn’t greet them. They couldn’t see us. They all moved past us, huffing and puffing. Rain-smeared sallow faces. Malaria-wrecked skin. They were all bones. So they headed home. Up North. I looked at them. I wasn’t afraid. Just queasy. We stood off the muddy trail, letting them pass.

I thought of heartbreak grass. One day, I thought, someone going South on this trail would look at me heading North. I might not then have a face. Or limbs.

The thought was like a thief hiding itself in my head to steal away slivers of joy once lived. I bowed my head. Inside I cried and thought of all the mothers whose lives ebb and flow with hopes that their sons would someday be found, what’s left of them, so they can hold them again, with the limbs intact, like they did on the day their sons were born.

The Robert Watson Literary Prize Poem THE DOGS OF MONGOLIA

1.

 

Dog pawing the awnings of restaurants in Ulaanbaatar

where the State Department store hawks dog dreams

to businessmen who cast shadows like pit mines

deep enough for dog bodies to fall asleep inside. Oh dog

roped to the old Soviet pillar, roped to an oil drum

full of vodka. Dog roped to a car husk, head stuck

through the radiator & staring at the dead metal flywheel,

mill-wheel. Dog snared by flight, mired in fetal freedom

on a staircase to the first world, feral & chained by fur

to the cracked rib cage of hunger. Three dogs in a garbage pile

near the temple shed. Dog tongue licking the sacred horse skull,

licking the wounded shaman’s hand, the land. Dog head stuck

inside a mayonnaise jar beneath the deep bellow of Asian sky,

stuck to a body beneath a season of ice, stuck to a cup

of goat milk souring on midwinter’s fatal white cloth.

 

2.

 

God, you are an old trick in reverse; pick a horse-head fiddle

backward until scales shed like fur. Run until your hooves

turn to pads and the plateaus of your teeth

peak into canines; run until you run

the hills into camel backs and your four legs

blacken, bloody as the first newborn colt of Spring.

 

On the broken fire escape, dog. In a pile of dogs

on the burnt black factory floor,

dog. Dead in a winter field, frozenblooded, dog.

Blown into myth, howling into the ice wind

from the edge of legend to be born

again from the foggy womb of the hoodoo, dog.

 

3.

 

However the sky falls, we were there, and we were not dogs.

On horseback in the wide-mouthed valley, the immensity

above us, like some lost faith, threatening rain, we passed

dog after dog guarding the hashas and flocks. They chewed

 

sheep into shin bones, chewed the sinew cords

from the ger poles, the legs from wrestling statues—

 

they coughed up prophecy, swallowed the long winter

where gods walk on knees, kept falling asleep

in the wild wind-swept scruff of steppe. Or

 

that part can’t be true—those dogs never slept.

I still see them, in full sprint across the blue khadag of the sky,

their matted fur turning slowly to snow.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT [1977]

A golden eagle landing on a midnight Trans Am.

Its big-blocked, American, eight-cylinder thunder

and lead-lined cloud of exhaust fumes mixed

with burning tire tread. That smuggler’s smile fueled

by a bootlegger’s truth: there’s public good detouring

pedantic rules. Kojak with a Kodak, choke and puke,

I got my 10 in the wind, your ass is grass and I’m gonna mow it. 

How vengeance pursued beyond reason’s jurisdiction

cuffs you to failure and ridicule. Ahead, missing bridges

only a desperado’s bravado can cross, roadblocks

evaded through the sanctuary of strangers. A wedding

in search of a bride. That you too can hitchhike from

unsatisfied’s altar when the Bandit arrives in tight jeans

with a ten-gallon lid he only removes for the one thing

he looks for in every pretty woman. And you’ll be free

if you can lose yourself in relentless movement, if you

can see carnations in the carnage of police cruisers

littering the future he cultivates in fame’s name.

THE ONLY HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

The stove doesn’t work. The food is painted

on the refrigerator door. No stairs join

 

the three levels, and the residents flit

between them, colorful, mute birds. Days

 

pass with the click of a switch and no matter

if Baby bathes with his clothes on, or Mother

 

in her fitted purple jacket, heeled shoes,

and with her wild silken hair spends a week

 

face-down on the laundry room floor, or

if when Father goes to work he is really only

 

waiting behind the sunroom to come back home.

There is a birthday party nearly every day,

 

no fear of death or failure, no mortgage

to pay, no money at all. And if the tiny pink

 

phone in the kitchen never rings, and the doors

don’t open, and if the family can’t bend

 

their knees to kneel in the warm square of light

on the plastic-wood floor, they are still

 

ready for you to set the table, snap the garden

fence back into place, position the pink crib

 

next to the blue, fix the girl onto her rocking horse,

and let your hand push the thing until it topples.

HISTORY ISLAND

None of us go there anymore.

It’s a defunct resort

town in winter. The rust-colored sea’s thick waves roll over

sideways, slowly. The boardwalk collapsed

and was hacked into fist-sized chunks—to sell

as pieces of The True Boardwalk, reliquarilly.

The Old Hotel, after the termites ate their fill,

became (and turned the same color as) the potbelly

of dirt on a grave. Still pink, the pink

of a pint of blood in five gallons of water,

the cotton candy wagon’s cotton candy maker spins

not a skein, not an airy thread.

That man with eight-foot stiff-kneed legs is gone, his hat now

a blacked-out lighthouse

at the end of the stubby shorebreak.

A whole generation, or two, came here

in the years between the wars.

It was as if certain things never happened.

The whole island is an under-lit room.

You’re in it, now, we’re all in it now,

and an eight-foot bucksaw

leans, more than a little bowed, cocked, taut

against a wall.

The Amon Line Poetry Award MISHA AND THE GRAVE

Dug out the deep hole

with rock bars and shovels

along the shade tree path

while the herd was in lower

fields, and left the rifle in the truck

because people believed

horses know intentions,

and the ancient Paso Fino,

too sick for the molasses

we dripped on grain and in water,

came and stood over the grave

when it was still morning,

waited there past lunch,

like a blinking statue,

never swatting a fly,

never pawing the fill dirt

mounded above the hole

we had left open to sun

in case that warmth

touched him when he fell.

SEASIDE

I.

 

Summer is a day. The terns swirl

on the wind, letting it toss them

this way and that, then

dive—their bodies arrow

into the shallow waves.

 

 

II.

 

A pair of urns on the mantle

twined with a Japanese floral pattern,

a delicate pink petal—

 

 

III.

 

Each day I listen through closed eyes

to the waves lick the beach,

the sun kaleidoscoping bright shapes

inside my lids. One daughter fills a bucket

with periwinkles, then

empties it into the surf.

One daughter kicks on a towel in the shade

of an enormous umbrella,

dazzled at the movement of the air.

My grandmother came here

fifty-two more summers

after her daughters died. Even now

in the leaning garage

stand their small bicycles.

 

 

IV.

 

This wind. These pressed flowers

falling out of the old hardbound

Robinson Crusoe, Just So Stories

their weightless drift to table.

This day. This hour. The mossy shingles

by the outdoor shower. This light.

Summer is a day. In my grandmother’s last year,

my mother asked me to take the paper

and wipe as she held the frail woman

above the toilet bowl. Her body had reduced

to sinew, slack. Her cotton pants billowed

around her knees. Her long hair fell

in a thousand wisps around her face,

too fine to be held in the braids the children

still each morning wound around her head.

I had never been asked to minister.

I had hardly touched her in years.